Not sure what to say but so much to say

This last couple of months have been the hardest two months that I have had to face as it affects my training.  I haven't been home except the weekends (sometimes only Sunday) and have been traveling non stop.  My training has ceased in every way possible from simple push ups to blogging. 

I'm exhausted to say the least. I need a break and after I get back from Winnipeg this week I'm taking the next two weeks off.  I will be back at the kwoon this Friday for what feels like years ago that I was last there. 

I want everyone to know that I haven't quit, I haven't given up but I also haven't been there for the team through my blogging like I should have.  No excuses for that and I own that 100%. 

The struggles I face are staying engaged.  It's not for lack of tools and direction on how to do this from many of you that have managed to stay engaged while being away.  It comes down to me and what I want.  It's a mental state and it comes down to discipline and priorities.  I struggle with these two things.  I know what I need to be doing but I don't want to take the steps to move myself in that direction.  Thinking about doing it and actually doing it are two very different things. 

I can't tell you all how excited I am to be coming back on Friday.  I am going to use this time to re charge with all the posative energy and carry that into the new year. 

Best regards,

Ian Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu

Quitting...almost and the motivation to continue

Yes I quit the I Ho Chaun, almost.  I gave up and quit doing anything and I mean anything.  I haven't done a push up or a sit up for almost two months.  I gave up on the team and I'm not proud of it but I convinced myself that this was only about me.  Every day I convinced myself that I shouldn't go to class because there were more important things like watching a football game, baseball game , just anything but going to class.  It was easier to do this than convince myself that I should get myself to class.  Most of the time I had been away from home for weeks on end and then the week I was at home it was easier to stay home.  Day after day it became easier to convince myself not to come to class.  I became lazy, I became out of shape and overweight.  Both mentally and physically I gave up.

Now here is the almost part.  I still logged into Google + and I read and I read and I read some more.  I read some great blogs and some great posts.  However this wasn't enough to get myself to class.  What has turned this around for me happened last night.  I went to watch my daughter ride in a lesson with her horse.  She was in a special lesson with an instructor from Germany she had never met before.  The lesson was tough to watch as he made my daughter work really hard and she was physically and mentally struggling.  I could see that she was angry, upset and wanted to quit.  She didn't.  She pushed hard and fought to keep going.  I was literately brought to tears not only to see her persevere but tears of shame for myself that I had done the opposite. 

I have failed so many times and have had to pick myself up both physically and more recently mentally that at times its difficult to become motivated.  You sometimes get motivation from the most unexpected places.

Thank you Haleigh for the motivation to continue my Kung Fu journey.  You effort and determination has inspired me more than you know.

Mr. Ian Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta  

Re charged

When I walked through the doors to the kwoon today in felt some ways like the first day I was a white belt.  That feeling was there because I have been away for quite a while due to work.  However quite soon after, it felt like home due to the "family members" that reached out and welcomed me back.  It's hard to explain to people who aren't part of the kwoon that the kwoon is home.  Those that do understand this, understand how important it is in our lives. 

Being part of the meeting today was amazing.  I got to see my family again and got to re charge my batteries.  I am away again for the better part of the next two weeks in Salt Lake City, Utah with work.  So to re connect like I did was so important.  To listen to each family member share their journey helped me to understand mine.  We each have our own journey but we are all connected at the same time.  We are all working toward mastery and the road isn't a smooth one.  However days like today smoothen out that road just a little bit more.

I am energized and will not let the "fog" creep into my life.  I am going to keep moving forward with a renewed perspective thanks to the meeting with my family today.

Mr. Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta

Family

I have been reading a lot of blogs from our team that talks about where they go or do to recharge and re connect.  Quite a number of our team take to the mountains, the back country or just lose themselves in a good book. 

I thought I would share where I lose myself and re connect.  It's with my family at home.  At this point in my life that's where I go to re connect and re center myself.  I got married and had kids as a teenager and I can tell you that I wasn't the best father or husband as I should have been.  I wasn't mature enough to understand that my personal life and feelings were less important than those of my family.  I was selfish and self centered full of ego and bravado.  As I got older and experienced some pretty big and epic disasters in my personal life which I must say where totally my own doing.  I have matured and learnt from those experiences and I am so blessed to still have my family beside and behind me. 

So when I'm down and out and feel like life has me by the tail, I turn home and recharge and re center myself with my family and in my home.  Life couldn't be better and I'm blessed to have such a wonderful family.

Mr. Ian Relay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta.

It's all about perspective

Master Brinker and I sat down and had a very good chat last week.  You know those chats are always amazing and I come out of them focused and energized. 

We talked about many things but the thing that resonated with me the most was "perspective".  In my mind I have this crazy ripped Kung Fu crazy man!  Where in actuality I'm no where near that image in my mind.  I have to change my perspective and I have to do it now or I will be on a road to no where.  What I mean by this is that I need to get back to baby steps in my training.  I need to get back to doing the simple training, the recording of numbers so that my perspective matches my training.  This isn't to say that I'm happy with where my training is but its accepting that I can't expect to get back to the level I was at two years ago in one week.  It's impossible not matter how much I want it.  That's where I feel that I have fallen down in my training.  I feel like I have failed myself, my Sifu's and my teammates.  When in actuality I have failed my self from the perspective that I have been holding so tightly to.

I have taken some time to reflect on where I have come in my training.  It's pretty amazing to see what I have accomplished as soooooo few people would even attempt to start and if they started would give up fairly quickly.  Kung Fu is part of my life, it's part of who I am and I am so very thankful that I walked through that door and became part of the family. 

I'm not big on quotes and this one may have been overused but it really talks to perspective.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step" - Lao Tzu

Ian Repay
Student Of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta Canada

Call for help

I need some help.  It's tough for me to say but I need it.  I have almost completly quit not only the I Ho Chuan team but Kung Fu as well.  To admit this is really difficult for me as Kung Fu has been a huge part of my life over the past five years.  However right now its the smallest part of my life. 

I can and can't explain why this has happened.  But let me start with why I think this has happened.  It started when I joined Michelin.  The job isn't the excuse but rather shone a bright light on the problems I have with my Kung Fu but just hadn't come to realize yet.  That problem is discipline and mediocrity.  I got out of my routine and I didn't have the disciple to continue.   I saw that being like the rest of society was ok and I began to accept mediocrity.  And boy was it easy to accept!  Well now two years later, I still work for Michelin (Awesome company!) and my Kung Fu has almost ceased to exist.

When I look back on these past two years I have to realize that I am not willing to put the effort and hard work to get back to where I was.  I'm unwilling to put my body through the pain, the sweat and the tears.  I want the results and I'm currently unwilling to put the effort in.  When I'm back at the kwoon it's not as difficult to want to train.  It's the traveling and the time away from my friends and family at the kwoon that is the most difficult.  You see, I have never been very good at discipline especially when no one is watching me.  I have talked with numerous people and that have all gave me some really good advice that works for them.  I always appreciate the feedback and advice but it won't do me any good as long as I'm unwilling to put any of it into action.

So I feel right now that I am at a huge cross roads...  On one hand, I want to quit and move on.  On the other hand there is something missing, something burning deep inside me that says keep pushing.  I honestly don't know if I am mentally ready to re commit myself to the training.  I don't know how to keep myself on the path when I am away so much and it's too easy to just quit.  The one thing that has kept me going has been the postings and the journals from my team mates.  To see everyone engaged they way they are has been amazing and it has shamed me all at the same time. 

I was at the kwoon (well actually across the street) at 7:30 last night but I couldn't walk through that door.  I didn't feel worthy to walk in the door and participate in class when I haven't been there for my teammates this year.  I drove away and never felt worse in doing so.

I am not one that asks for help but I'm asking now.

Ian Repay
Student Of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta

Changes & Stability

Once again this year, my life is full of changes.  I have taken on a new advanced role within Michelin which I'm happy about but it does take a ton of time away from home.  You know you have been traveling a lot when you do actually wake up in your own bed but think your waking up in a hotel room.  I must tell you, I am really developing a dislike for hotels and airports. 

Anyway, other things are changing as well.  My son is graduating from high school in a couple of weeks and this is a big deal for me.  I am very proud with what he has done with his life and I am happy that he has some motivation to continue on with his education at NAIT in the fall.  As a parent, you always wish and hope for the best for your children and I am so happy that he has worked hard to get where he is right now.

I also recently bought a motorcycle!  Some of you may have seen it at the kwoon, and I am so happy.  It's been at least twenty years since I rode and at that time I was much younger and had a different "style" of riding then than now.  Riding a motorcycle may not seem like it has much to do with Kung Fu but I think there are some similiaties.  When I first started riding and training, I was very stiff and had a lot of tension in my body particulary in my shoulders.  I noticed that while riding with this tension, the ride was very harsh and I was fatigued from riding.  I started to realize that I needed to relax my shoulders, my grip, my legs and essentially employ the six harmonies to my riding.  Now my riding is much more enjoyable and relaxing.  When I hit bumps in the road my body absorbs the shock and no longer am I feeling it as much.  Just another realization of how Kung Fu is part of my everyday life, so cool!

An area of disappointment that I have recently struggled with is missing some IHC classes and the parade and demo.  To be straight up and honest with the team, I was exhausted and chose to rest with my family at home.  This has bothered me as of late as I have not missed these opportunities in the past but I just couldn't mentally get the energy to go.  A big part of this journey in my opinion is to be honest with ones self and with the team.  It's not the easiest thing to do but it's important.

I look forward to seeing everyone as much as I can and as work and life allows.  The blogs are great and it's amazing to see the level of engagement both physically as well as mentally and through blogging. 

Ian Repay
Student Of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta

Pandamonium

Pandamonium was this past weekend and I was able to attend in the midst of a crazy work schedule.  Being there and being in the middle of all of those amazing people helped recharge my batteries so to speak.  I have written about how the kwoon is that place where one can come and get a jolt of positivity.  I needed that jolt as I haven't been feeling all that positive. 

The reason for this is that I have gained more weight than I would have liked over the past while.  Its affecting my mental state as I have never been overweight in my life before. I realize that poor diet choices along with sitting way to long all day in meetings has caught up with me. Also the lack of training in any form doesn't help the situation.   At the end of the day I'm mentally exhausted and all I want to do is unplug mentally and physically.  My kung fu, which has served me through tough times in the past has taken a back seat of late.

I know what I have to do.  I know I need to get back to making the proper diet choices straight off.  Easier said than done while living on the road.  However an improvement is and improvement and a step in the right direction.  Next I need to start doing my basic requirements in the morning when I'm rested.  I have tried this before and it works.  I just have never been able to make it a habit.  Lastly I need to be accountable or nothing will change. The solution for accountability is to be visible to my teammates online.  I need to start posting what I have and haven't done each day. 

It was great seeing everyone this weekend and I look forward to getting back to the kwoon as soon as I can.

Mr. Ian Repay

To my Mom.

Today is Mother's day and today I'm reflecting on the years that have past.  Some of my fondest memories are the ones where just you and I spent time together.  I remember the drives we would take to Baba's on a bright summer day either to Theodore, Insinger or Sheho.  I remember the sun shinning, the warmth of the sun and of us in the car.  Those days were some of my favorite days and I can vividly remember them to this day.

I never could quite appreciate the relationship between parent and child until I had my own children, of which you reminded me of many times :). Now that my children are almost grown into adults I find myself reflecting on those special days just like we had.  I know you told me many times "enjoy every moment with your children as they grow up fast".  I never thought that would happen but here I am, children that were so little once now almost adults. 

You love my sister I unconditionally through the good times and the rough patches.  You guided me through some really difficult times and when I thought there was no way you would call me your son, you always did.  Your love never wavered and I love you so much for being the best mom in the world.

Happy Mothers Day to the very best mom a son could ever have.

Ian Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta

Where to start?

Its been a long time since I wrote last.  I have had a lot changes happen in my life again this year.  However they are good changes in a way.  I have been promoted to a regional sales manager position within Michelin.  I really happy about the position and all of the new challenges that are in front of me.  My family is very supportive and I'm really looking forward to working with my new team. 

My kung fu has fallen off a cliff, like a full on nose dive straight into the abyss.  I have been so wrapped up in the changes at work that when I'm not traveling I'm enjoying just being at home.  The next two to six months are going to be a blur of traveling and working within my new region. 

I struggle sooooo much when I'm away from the kwoon.  I can't seem to want to motivate myself to train and stay disciplined.  I have all the beat intentions but they rarely translate to action.  The one thing that has kept me in touch with the team are the blogs.  They are to me the only "life line" to the kwoon and the team.  I really appreciate everyone writing and sharing their journey.  Its not always easy and pretty much its a difficult path but in the end the reward is worth it.

Thanks everyone for writing and keeping me up-to-date with what's happening in your lives and in the kwoon.  I hope to get back to the kwoon as much as I can over the next few months.

Bad habits

I'm in Montreal right now for meetings and I have been traveling off and on for the past three weeks.  It has been a struggle for sure these past three weeks to get any Kung Fu done.  It's not because I don't have the opportunities.  In fact I could have done my push ups and sit ups anywhere but I chose not to. 

I hate to press the repeat button on this blog post as I have written about this before many times.  I have chosen not to do my requirements.  I have chosen to not get my forms done and I continue to struggle away from the Kwoon.  I recognize the tools that the program gives us and I need to use the tools to get some good habits going in my training that will support me when I am away from the Kwoon.  I really don't like this "train like mad" when I'm there and don't train much at all when I'm away. 

I know what I have to do, I just have to mentally commit to making it happen.  I saw the benefits of my training when I was there for almost a whole month straight.  Somehow, someway I need to keep that feeling front and center and not allow myself to slip into my bad habits when I'm away. 

"Where am I and what am I doing?"

Ian Repay
Student Of Silent River Kung Fu

Normalcy Vs Mastery in the eye of of our peers

"Your a keener", "Don't work so hard, your making us look bad" are just some of things that people say to each other in the presence of someone who is working toward mastery and not accepting the norm.  Why is this?  Are people just lazy?

I don't think laziness is always the answer.  I beleive people have become a custom to doing just what is required and nothing else.  I have witnessed this a few times lately in my professional life.  I have been asked why I'm doing a certain task when I don't get bonus pay for doing it.  My response is that just because I don't get "bonused" for it doesn't mean it doesn't need to get done.  The fascinating thing is to watch the expression on their faces change as I tell them this.  They have become so accustomed to doing what is just required that to do more and not get paid is mind blowing.

The disturbing part about society today is that if your doing more than is required, your almost shunned by your peers for it.  I don't like where society is and has become.  I wasn't raised this way by my parents. 

I try to raise my children the same way and I can tell you its very difficult to do in the current state of society.  However by living my life not accepting of normalacy has helped my children to see that normalcy is not the right path. 

A life of mastery will serve them posativly in their life as well as mine.

Ian Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta Canada

Getting it...finally

This year in particular I'm getting it.  I'm starting to understand what then I Ho Chuan is about.  I won't say that I fully understand the program but this year it resonates with me more than ever before. 
I have concluded that nothing has changed with the program but how I'm approaching the program.  Mentally I have given myself to the program. I have allowed myself to embrace it.  In the past my ego was in the way.  This year, I have parked the ego and am approaching the program with more of a humble attitude. 

The other thing I'm not doing this year that I have in the past is comparing myself to other team mates.  This is tough as we all want to compare against each other.  However I feel by doing this we enable our ego.  This isn't a good thing as when we enable our ego we shut ourselves off and can't fully embrace what we are being taught or the help of others.  Ego to me is very toxic and I battle it all the time.  I have to be mindful of it and work hard to keep it in check.

This team is very special, I don't sense anyone on the team has ego issues.  I feel a very good sense of comraderie and a very positive vibe sans ego.

Finally, I'm getting it.

Ian Repay

Not in the moment.

I learned a valuable lesson tonight. I need to work harder on being in the moment and narrowing in my focus.  My mind wasn't in the kwoon tonight.  It was on the day I had today and my trip tomorrow.  I was going through the motions and Master Brinker told the entire class exactly that and I know he was referring to me.

However there is a take away from one of my worst classes.  That take away is to work harder mentally.  Work harder on the bow in to quiet my mind and focus on what's in front of me.  The physical aspect of training is coming along well but I'm not training the mental side and it showed tonight.

Long way to go to black belt but today I took one vert small step toward it.

Mr. Repay

Inspiration

Yesterdays class was truly inspiring.  The team is off to fastest start of all the teams before it.  To watch each team mate take their turn and demonstrate the form they have built in just five weeks was amazing.  I was especially inspired by Mr. Kohut senior.  Just five weeks ago he picked up the nunchucks.  I showed him some basic moves and a couple more advanced ones.  What was the most inspiring was that he stepped out in front of the entire team and performed some of the more advanced techniques for the first time. Watching him was special for me.  I helped teach him and to see a team mate do what he did in small part because of what I taught him was pretty cool. 

What a great start to the year of the Sheep, what a great team!

Mr. Ian Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu.
Stony Plain, Alberta

Flying

This is one time that I have more things to write about and I almost can't decide what to choose.  Needless to say my year is off to a flying start.  I haven't felt this engaged and motivated in almost two years. 

Mentally I'm in a very good place.  This is an area that I have struggled with in the past two years.  Actually Sifu Tymchuk asked me what's changed this past Saturday.  What's changed is that mentally I addressed some things candidly and put everything on the table.  I realized what was "dogging" me for a very very long time.  Once I had that out there, I felt renewed and re energized.  I have literally thrown myself into my Kung Fu and I am seeing the benefits both mentally and physically. 

I have also started to take on more responsibilities and leadership with in the Kwoon.  I have stayed silent for a long time which is not my character.  I am enjoying the start of this year more than I have in any year in the past.  I feel motivated to train, I feel motivated to write and I feel motivated to eat better.  I guess you could say that I'm feeling motivated in life.  The challenging part will to maintain and increase these levels through out the year.  It's early, I get it but I haven't felt like this before and I LIKE IT!

I would like to touch on the team that we have this year.  It's a special team.  We have had good teams in the past but this feels different.  I think we have a very good mix of people who have been through the I Ho Chaun and we have a good mix of new team members.  I think the mix of returning and new is a vital key to the team's success as a whole.  I'm very very excited about the potential of this team and I will do what ever I can to be the best team mate that I can.

Mr. Ian Repay
Student Of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta, Canada.

First Sheep team class

What a great class we had on Friday.  It was the first formal class for the sheep team.  The first class of the new year is one of my favorites.  New teammates, new year and a fresh start.  It was so nice to see the new teamates and help them along.  For me personally it was a little odd to walk out and not have my nunchucks in my hands.  Its a little bitter sweet as I had spent almost four years developing my skills with them.  Also the way the year ended I can't put them down completly. 

It's pretty cool developing a form and with double broad swords it feels like an extension of my chucks.  I'm feeling very motivated right now, I want to pick up my weapons and come to class.  I want this to continue for the rest of the year.  As long as I use the tools I'm confident that I will have a succesfull sheep year.

One of the coolest things is to hear some of my teammates tell me that I inspired them to learn the double nunchucks.  Wow that's super humbling and super cool all at the same time!  I love to teach so this is going to be an important part of my training this year.

Mr. Ian Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu.
Stony Plain, Alberta

Year of the Horse

To recap the year of the horse is an interesting one for me.  I could say that I failed because I didn't reach many of my physical goals.  However I don't look at succeeding and failing just based on the numbers alone.  I look at what the year has done for me personally and I feel that I have become a better person than who I was a year ago.  Because I choose to look at the past year this way, I have succeeded.  The goal of the I Ho Chaun to me is to live a life of mastery and through that improves ones life in a way that is sustainable for the rest of that life.  I'm happy in that I have improved aspects of my life that I feel are sustainable for the rest of my life.  I have put into practice habits that will serve me long after I can't complete the physical aspects of my Kung Fu.

Some of the specific things that I have grown in this past year is definitely empathy.  This is an area that I really focused on this this past year.  To step back and really try and understand what people are going through and how that affects them as well as me.  Another area of growth has been with blogging and sharing my thoughts and feelings.  I have never blogged so much like I have this year.  In some ways this was the only thing keeping me going and engaged with the program and with my teammates. 

I am looking back on this year with a positive attitude and taking that positiveness right into the year of the Sheep.  We had a very good Horse team and I'm looking forward to the sheep team.

Mr. Ian Repay
Student Of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta Canada

Spartan Race

One of my I Ho Chuan personal requirements for this upcoming year is to compete and finish the Spartan Race in Red Deer in September.  I chose to do this as a way to push myself physically and mentally more than I have ever done.  I figured this would help me mentally to prepare for my black belt grading both physically and more importantly mentally.  I know that this as well as my black belt grading is going to be physically demanding but it's the mental side that worries me most.  It's our mind that tells our body to quite when our body can do much more.  This is why I want to compete and complete this race, to prove to myself that I'm mentally strong enough.  By preparing for this race, it's going to push me to improve my diet and put together a training regiment that will include strength training, cardio training, high intensity and low intensity training.  Follow my journey to the race on my blog as there will be many many posts surrounding my preparation.

Mr. Ian Repay
Student Of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta, Canada 

Mindful eating

This evening was one of those moments, moments of clarity.  Sifu Brinker loaned me a copy of Thick Nhat Hanh's book "Peace is every step".  I have been reading it and tonight I experienced a moment of clarity.  It involved " mindful eating " of my supper tonight.  I have always eaten my meals quickly and never paid much attention to where my food came from or the moment I was in.  Tonight was different.  I slowed down my eating and focused on where my food came from.  Right from the moment of seed through the blossoms to the growth of the plant.  I focused on the sunlight that the plant was bathed in through the summer months and the heat of fall.  I have never done this before.  I can tell you that I really enjoyed beaing in the moment.  I watched everyone around me and I enjoyed the taste of my food more than ever before. I truly felt like I was in the moment and world really slowed down around me.

Mr Ian Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta

Passion and leadership

I have a passion for a lot of things but one of the biggest passions is leading and developing people.  I have been in a senior leadership role for a good portion of a decade and I have always looked forward to and have been passionate about devolping my sales team and leading projects.

Recently I had a very good conversation with a mentor of mine.  He asked me why I don't apply this passion for leadership beyond my work life?  I didn't have an answer for him.  When I'm at the kwoon I tend to take a backseat.  I let other people lead and make the decisions.  I'm a good team player and I take direction when needed.  However I have a passion for my training just as I have for leading and developing my team at work.

This year I'm going to take on a greater role with in the kwoon.  I'm going to lead some projects and take on a greater role within the kwoon and the I Ho Chuan team. 

Mr. Ian Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta

Higher Standard

Black belts have always been held to a higher standard, god like status in my mind.  Ever since I can remember I have always have been in awe of a black belt regardless of style.  It always represented to me a much higher standard.  Something that not many people can achieve.

The black belts in my school are gods to me.  Perhaps I shouldn't hold them in such asteem but I do.  I expect them to do everything better than I can do.  I look to them to carry themselves and act like a black belt should.  I envision this to be like an "old school" kung Fu master.  One that instills unspoken wisdom and respect not only  by their Kung Fu skills but how they walk, talk and interacts with students and people.

I look to their blogs for inspiration and insight and am disappointed when some of them haven't written for far to long. I look up to each and everyone of them wanting to aspire to be just like them.    I have such respect for our black belts and what they represent  that I would be crushed spiritually if they did something that detrimental to this. 

The aspiration to be a SRKF black belt and to be part of our lineage drives me to keep training and keeps me motivated to change my life in a positive way.

Mr. Ian Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta