I need some help. It's tough for me to say but I need it. I have almost completly quit not only the I Ho Chuan team but Kung Fu as well. To admit this is really difficult for me as Kung Fu has been a huge part of my life over the past five years. However right now its the smallest part of my life.
I can and can't explain why this has happened. But let me start with why I think this has happened. It started when I joined Michelin. The job isn't the excuse but rather shone a bright light on the problems I have with my Kung Fu but just hadn't come to realize yet. That problem is discipline and mediocrity. I got out of my routine and I didn't have the disciple to continue. I saw that being like the rest of society was ok and I began to accept mediocrity. And boy was it easy to accept! Well now two years later, I still work for Michelin (Awesome company!) and my Kung Fu has almost ceased to exist.
When I look back on these past two years I have to realize that I am not willing to put the effort and hard work to get back to where I was. I'm unwilling to put my body through the pain, the sweat and the tears. I want the results and I'm currently unwilling to put the effort in. When I'm back at the kwoon it's not as difficult to want to train. It's the traveling and the time away from my friends and family at the kwoon that is the most difficult. You see, I have never been very good at discipline especially when no one is watching me. I have talked with numerous people and that have all gave me some really good advice that works for them. I always appreciate the feedback and advice but it won't do me any good as long as I'm unwilling to put any of it into action.
So I feel right now that I am at a huge cross roads... On one hand, I want to quit and move on. On the other hand there is something missing, something burning deep inside me that says keep pushing. I honestly don't know if I am mentally ready to re commit myself to the training. I don't know how to keep myself on the path when I am away so much and it's too easy to just quit. The one thing that has kept me going has been the postings and the journals from my team mates. To see everyone engaged they way they are has been amazing and it has shamed me all at the same time.
I was at the kwoon (well actually across the street) at 7:30 last night but I couldn't walk through that door. I didn't feel worthy to walk in the door and participate in class when I haven't been there for my teammates this year. I drove away and never felt worse in doing so.
I am not one that asks for help but I'm asking now.
Ian Repay
Student Of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta
What makes mediocrity so easy is that it is extremely comfortable and it asks nothing of yourself. The problem with medocrity is that one day you will wake up and realize that life has passed you by. Even though you have a great job and have family and friends, is your life fullfilling? What gives you joy and passion? There needs to be some balance in our lives. You stated that you feel as if something is missing and something inside you says keep pushing. Listen to your intuition. Our minds can trick us and propel us in the wrong direction. But I know for myself once I make a decision my mind becomes my friend and can be very powerful. I can achieve almost anything I set my mind to do. Your routine may have to change and classes will be missed, but you can continue if that is what you want. Figure it out and just make it happen.
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