Where is up?

I felt like this year was the year I fell so far down that I'm not sure where up is?  I will say that this is 100% my fault.  I allowed myself to go in this direction and I did nothing to turn it around.  My mind kept and keeps telling me "why start over", "why bother anymore"?  I will admit that I have listened to these voices in my head and I have allowed myself to keep falling.  I know that I'm on a path that isn't good both for my physical and mental state however I can't seem to motivate myself to get off of it.  I am ashamed of where I have let myself get to but am I ashamed enough to do something about it? 

People say that smoking is the hardest thing to do.  I can't speak to that as I haven't smoked.  However I have also heard that people will fail to quite unless they are ready.  What does that exactly mean?  Does something have to happen in thier life physically like a stroke to jolt them into making the decision to quite for the betterment of thier health?  I look at myself and see that I'm not healthy physically or mentally like I want to be.

But I'm scared to do something about it.  I'm not sure if scared is the right word to describe this but am I ready to quite the lifestyle of poor eating, no exercise and no mental exercise?  I am ready to give up a life of mediocrity?  I don't know and I am ashamed to admit that as that is what our journey in this program is all about.  I actually have spent the better part of the year going in the opposite direction embracing the thing we are trying to get rid of.  So why am I where I am right now?  I thinks because its the easier path to follow.  The path of least resistance is easy to follow and I haven't been ready to put the work in, change my thinking and re commit to the process. 

I have to.  I have to change.  I have begun to change by writing this blog today.  I have taken the first step and I will take the next one and the next. Change must start with me.  One step at a time.

Mr. Ian Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu

Not sure what to say but so much to say

This last couple of months have been the hardest two months that I have had to face as it affects my training.  I haven't been home except the weekends (sometimes only Sunday) and have been traveling non stop.  My training has ceased in every way possible from simple push ups to blogging. 

I'm exhausted to say the least. I need a break and after I get back from Winnipeg this week I'm taking the next two weeks off.  I will be back at the kwoon this Friday for what feels like years ago that I was last there. 

I want everyone to know that I haven't quit, I haven't given up but I also haven't been there for the team through my blogging like I should have.  No excuses for that and I own that 100%. 

The struggles I face are staying engaged.  It's not for lack of tools and direction on how to do this from many of you that have managed to stay engaged while being away.  It comes down to me and what I want.  It's a mental state and it comes down to discipline and priorities.  I struggle with these two things.  I know what I need to be doing but I don't want to take the steps to move myself in that direction.  Thinking about doing it and actually doing it are two very different things. 

I can't tell you all how excited I am to be coming back on Friday.  I am going to use this time to re charge with all the posative energy and carry that into the new year. 

Best regards,

Ian Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu

Quitting...almost and the motivation to continue

Yes I quit the I Ho Chaun, almost.  I gave up and quit doing anything and I mean anything.  I haven't done a push up or a sit up for almost two months.  I gave up on the team and I'm not proud of it but I convinced myself that this was only about me.  Every day I convinced myself that I shouldn't go to class because there were more important things like watching a football game, baseball game , just anything but going to class.  It was easier to do this than convince myself that I should get myself to class.  Most of the time I had been away from home for weeks on end and then the week I was at home it was easier to stay home.  Day after day it became easier to convince myself not to come to class.  I became lazy, I became out of shape and overweight.  Both mentally and physically I gave up.

Now here is the almost part.  I still logged into Google + and I read and I read and I read some more.  I read some great blogs and some great posts.  However this wasn't enough to get myself to class.  What has turned this around for me happened last night.  I went to watch my daughter ride in a lesson with her horse.  She was in a special lesson with an instructor from Germany she had never met before.  The lesson was tough to watch as he made my daughter work really hard and she was physically and mentally struggling.  I could see that she was angry, upset and wanted to quit.  She didn't.  She pushed hard and fought to keep going.  I was literately brought to tears not only to see her persevere but tears of shame for myself that I had done the opposite. 

I have failed so many times and have had to pick myself up both physically and more recently mentally that at times its difficult to become motivated.  You sometimes get motivation from the most unexpected places.

Thank you Haleigh for the motivation to continue my Kung Fu journey.  You effort and determination has inspired me more than you know.

Mr. Ian Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta  

Re charged

When I walked through the doors to the kwoon today in felt some ways like the first day I was a white belt.  That feeling was there because I have been away for quite a while due to work.  However quite soon after, it felt like home due to the "family members" that reached out and welcomed me back.  It's hard to explain to people who aren't part of the kwoon that the kwoon is home.  Those that do understand this, understand how important it is in our lives. 

Being part of the meeting today was amazing.  I got to see my family again and got to re charge my batteries.  I am away again for the better part of the next two weeks in Salt Lake City, Utah with work.  So to re connect like I did was so important.  To listen to each family member share their journey helped me to understand mine.  We each have our own journey but we are all connected at the same time.  We are all working toward mastery and the road isn't a smooth one.  However days like today smoothen out that road just a little bit more.

I am energized and will not let the "fog" creep into my life.  I am going to keep moving forward with a renewed perspective thanks to the meeting with my family today.

Mr. Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta

Family

I have been reading a lot of blogs from our team that talks about where they go or do to recharge and re connect.  Quite a number of our team take to the mountains, the back country or just lose themselves in a good book. 

I thought I would share where I lose myself and re connect.  It's with my family at home.  At this point in my life that's where I go to re connect and re center myself.  I got married and had kids as a teenager and I can tell you that I wasn't the best father or husband as I should have been.  I wasn't mature enough to understand that my personal life and feelings were less important than those of my family.  I was selfish and self centered full of ego and bravado.  As I got older and experienced some pretty big and epic disasters in my personal life which I must say where totally my own doing.  I have matured and learnt from those experiences and I am so blessed to still have my family beside and behind me. 

So when I'm down and out and feel like life has me by the tail, I turn home and recharge and re center myself with my family and in my home.  Life couldn't be better and I'm blessed to have such a wonderful family.

Mr. Ian Relay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta.

It's all about perspective

Master Brinker and I sat down and had a very good chat last week.  You know those chats are always amazing and I come out of them focused and energized. 

We talked about many things but the thing that resonated with me the most was "perspective".  In my mind I have this crazy ripped Kung Fu crazy man!  Where in actuality I'm no where near that image in my mind.  I have to change my perspective and I have to do it now or I will be on a road to no where.  What I mean by this is that I need to get back to baby steps in my training.  I need to get back to doing the simple training, the recording of numbers so that my perspective matches my training.  This isn't to say that I'm happy with where my training is but its accepting that I can't expect to get back to the level I was at two years ago in one week.  It's impossible not matter how much I want it.  That's where I feel that I have fallen down in my training.  I feel like I have failed myself, my Sifu's and my teammates.  When in actuality I have failed my self from the perspective that I have been holding so tightly to.

I have taken some time to reflect on where I have come in my training.  It's pretty amazing to see what I have accomplished as soooooo few people would even attempt to start and if they started would give up fairly quickly.  Kung Fu is part of my life, it's part of who I am and I am so very thankful that I walked through that door and became part of the family. 

I'm not big on quotes and this one may have been overused but it really talks to perspective.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step" - Lao Tzu

Ian Repay
Student Of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta Canada

Call for help

I need some help.  It's tough for me to say but I need it.  I have almost completly quit not only the I Ho Chuan team but Kung Fu as well.  To admit this is really difficult for me as Kung Fu has been a huge part of my life over the past five years.  However right now its the smallest part of my life. 

I can and can't explain why this has happened.  But let me start with why I think this has happened.  It started when I joined Michelin.  The job isn't the excuse but rather shone a bright light on the problems I have with my Kung Fu but just hadn't come to realize yet.  That problem is discipline and mediocrity.  I got out of my routine and I didn't have the disciple to continue.   I saw that being like the rest of society was ok and I began to accept mediocrity.  And boy was it easy to accept!  Well now two years later, I still work for Michelin (Awesome company!) and my Kung Fu has almost ceased to exist.

When I look back on these past two years I have to realize that I am not willing to put the effort and hard work to get back to where I was.  I'm unwilling to put my body through the pain, the sweat and the tears.  I want the results and I'm currently unwilling to put the effort in.  When I'm back at the kwoon it's not as difficult to want to train.  It's the traveling and the time away from my friends and family at the kwoon that is the most difficult.  You see, I have never been very good at discipline especially when no one is watching me.  I have talked with numerous people and that have all gave me some really good advice that works for them.  I always appreciate the feedback and advice but it won't do me any good as long as I'm unwilling to put any of it into action.

So I feel right now that I am at a huge cross roads...  On one hand, I want to quit and move on.  On the other hand there is something missing, something burning deep inside me that says keep pushing.  I honestly don't know if I am mentally ready to re commit myself to the training.  I don't know how to keep myself on the path when I am away so much and it's too easy to just quit.  The one thing that has kept me going has been the postings and the journals from my team mates.  To see everyone engaged they way they are has been amazing and it has shamed me all at the same time. 

I was at the kwoon (well actually across the street) at 7:30 last night but I couldn't walk through that door.  I didn't feel worthy to walk in the door and participate in class when I haven't been there for my teammates this year.  I drove away and never felt worse in doing so.

I am not one that asks for help but I'm asking now.

Ian Repay
Student Of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta