Where is up?

I felt like this year was the year I fell so far down that I'm not sure where up is?  I will say that this is 100% my fault.  I allowed myself to go in this direction and I did nothing to turn it around.  My mind kept and keeps telling me "why start over", "why bother anymore"?  I will admit that I have listened to these voices in my head and I have allowed myself to keep falling.  I know that I'm on a path that isn't good both for my physical and mental state however I can't seem to motivate myself to get off of it.  I am ashamed of where I have let myself get to but am I ashamed enough to do something about it? 

People say that smoking is the hardest thing to do.  I can't speak to that as I haven't smoked.  However I have also heard that people will fail to quite unless they are ready.  What does that exactly mean?  Does something have to happen in thier life physically like a stroke to jolt them into making the decision to quite for the betterment of thier health?  I look at myself and see that I'm not healthy physically or mentally like I want to be.

But I'm scared to do something about it.  I'm not sure if scared is the right word to describe this but am I ready to quite the lifestyle of poor eating, no exercise and no mental exercise?  I am ready to give up a life of mediocrity?  I don't know and I am ashamed to admit that as that is what our journey in this program is all about.  I actually have spent the better part of the year going in the opposite direction embracing the thing we are trying to get rid of.  So why am I where I am right now?  I thinks because its the easier path to follow.  The path of least resistance is easy to follow and I haven't been ready to put the work in, change my thinking and re commit to the process. 

I have to.  I have to change.  I have begun to change by writing this blog today.  I have taken the first step and I will take the next one and the next. Change must start with me.  One step at a time.

Mr. Ian Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu