Mediocrity & the fear of failure

 Mediocrity has been on my mind so much over the past couple of months.  It's because it's battling me really hard.  I'm feeling like I'm training in a silo, by my self even though we're doing our best to persevere in a virtual environment.  I personally need to "feel" the energy of the people around me, I feed off it and I like to release it for others.  I know that I can't wait for the kwoon re open and use this time as an excuse to waste more time.  I've realized that I need to reach out for help to keep the energy up.  The Q&A, my classes the brown belt meetings on Saturday and the "one on ones" are here to help.  I've taken advantage of each of these at times and there are times that I've discarded the tools because I thought I didn't need them.

What's interesting is that no matter what I thought, I need every one of these tools.  I thought about what these tools would be like if we weren't in a pandemic and every single one is just as important.  I remember fondly of the "one on one" meetings with Sifu Brinker in his office.  I ALWAYS came away from those conversations with so much clarity and renewed energy.  I think about the benefit of attending my classes and not missing the opportunities that each one brought.  If I missed a class it was gone forever now the classes are recorded and aren't lost forever or at least for now they're all still there.  In so many ways this Pandemic has made the ability to train and feed on so much more knowledge abundant.  But feeding is different that absorbing if I'm not taking the time to peel the layers back by actually training.  That's the key to everything and the thing that I've struggled with, consistent training with some sort of structure.  

When I went to the Kwoon to train the structure was there.  In a virtual environment it's easier to avoid the structure by just not logging in on my ipad.  I used to think that the hardest part of training was getting in my car and now the hardest part seems to be going to my basement.  That really put into perspective that with the in person or virtual training the struggle is the same.  So it comes down to the "why"?  Why am I struggling to train?  I have the most important year right in front of me and yet I'm struggling at times to find the motivation to train.  I know the reason, I don't want to fail and have to go through this year all over again.  I'm telling myself that the road that I'm on is too difficult.  It's painful and full of potholes.  To earn my black belt I have to be the absolute best version of myself both physically and mentally.  My mind and medicority are telling me the journey is too difficult and I'm afraid to fail.  I'm afraid that If I fail the fitness test I'll have to re do this year all over again and I'm not sure that I have it in me to do it again.  Mediocrity has a hold of me and we're battling it out against each other because I'm not ready to give in but I need some help.

Mr. Repay