Darkness

 I pulled back farther than I've ever pulled back these past three months.  I didn't attend class, didn't answer texts, and I even deleted Might Networks.  I was in a very dark place and the darkness felt good.  At least for the first while.  Then it got lonely which manifested into inactivity fueled by depression.  I could feel it consuming me, changing me in ways I didn't like.  However I couldn't, no wouldn't take the steps to make the changes I knew I needed.  I felt a ton of resentment.  Resentment toward the changes at the school, changes in my own work and personal life.  That resentment grew and and grew and instead of addressing them I withdrew.

I'm still struggling with a lot of things.  Resentment, jealousy, envy and anger.  I don't like these things in my life and I really don't like how they've changed me.  I've become pessimistic when before I was extremely optimistic.  I've let the smallest things set off my temper.  It's affecting relationships all around me and it needs to stop.  

Recently a friend of mine has been experiencing some personal depression.  He's having a hard time doing the little things like answering the phone, responding to text messages etc.  It's so bad that I'm afraid it's going to get him to a place that he can't come back from.  I found myself talking with him this very morning.  Sharing my experiences with withdraw, resentment and that oh so familiar glass rock.  I heard myself reassuring him that there are people that care about him, would never judge him and would do everything to help him.  Then it hit me like a tone of bricks.  I was looking directly in the mirror image of my own struggles.  I was giving advice when I needed to be taking it.  

I'm taking the first step by writing.  It's hard to admit these things but as I'm typing this blog the weight has started to shift.  I can feel it getting the slightest bit lighter.  There are two things that I that I think a lot about and have helped me lighten the load.

• Life is like a scale, it will always balance itself out.  However if you ignore it you won't like how it balances.  Or you can balance it yourself and you'll like the result.  This was shared with me by David Hawkins who at the time was the youngest president (35 years old) of the company that I worked for.  He took me on what I called the "walk to no where" on sunny fall day.  That bit of wisdom has stayed with me and will always be with me until the day I'm no longer here.
• A journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step.  Many people have been credited with this quote and to me it doesn't matter who, it's the wisdom that counts.  I've started this journey so many times and I'll continue to keep taking that first step as many times as I have too.  I know that there are going to be times when I need help and the difficult part will be to ask for it.  I am going to need that hand, that motivation to keep taking that step to keep moving forward.

Mr. Ian Repay  

Consistency

I've struggled with this for a very very long time, actually as long as I've know myself. I get on a cycle where I have the best intentions and I can see the goal but I start to fail mid way through the journey. We've discussed it over and over as a team and I've gone over and over this with myself and with many Sifu's over the years. Yet I'm still on that cycle.  

I've recently come to realize that I'm more focused on the end result but I'm unwilling to put in the work/struggle to get there. Everything starts with big highs and the best of intentions.  Then along the way I miss a class, skip my daily pushups etc etc. One day turns to two then three then all stop.  It's a cycle that he perpetrated my life for too long and I really really need it to stop. 

I've also realized that in order to break this cycle I have to first be aware of why and I've finally think I've discovered/accepted that. Secondly I've forgiven myself and I'm moving on. Lastly its about the journey not the destination. This is going to be the hardest for me as I've liked to live my life based on this quote, "I just want the baby, not pain". 

When I reflect back on this quote it's been with me for a very long time. Subconsciously it's always back there, whispering to me and leading me down that we'll worn path.  Time to work on changing the path, it won't be easy but if I want to change my life I must. 

Mr. Repay

I'm still here, darn you glass rock!

 I'm still here, getting out from under that glass rock once again.  It's been a rough ride recently for a number of reason most of which I won't be sharing here.  

The one thing that I've struggled with once again is consistency.  There are lot of reasons why I haven't been consistent with my training or attendance and most every one of them comes down to choice.  Choice of where I place my priorities and choice as to what I choose to do with my time.  There have been a lot distractions recently.  Job is busy and taking me away from home a lot but this isn't anything new for me.  I have more opportunities to stay engaged because of the pandemic than I had in the past.  The classes are online, the one on ones are all virtual.  

What it's coming down to for me is choice.  I've been actively choosing other priorates over my Kung Fu.  It's hard to type that because there isn't an excuse to make rather its an admission of where I am right now.

What's keeping me going is everyone's blogs.  I'm reading them and seeing my teammates both succeeding and struggling just like me.  There are some blogs that I think are written just for me which I realize isn't the case.  However they speak to me in such a way that it brings me back, back from under that glass rock.

I can't say what the future holds for me but I can say that I'm grateful for all of my teammates.  You guys are my rock and you all are a HUGE part of my life even though I may not always make that known.

Mr. Repay

I am alive

I can feel the warmth of the spring sun on my face.

The gentle breeze across my cheeks.

In the distance I hear geese making thier arrival known.

The woodpecker looking for a late breakfast.

I hear the rustling of last year's grass and leaves in the breeze.

I feel alive

My friend you can't feel any of these things but,

Your all of these things around me.

I am alive. 

Mr. Repay

I am blessed

 True friendship is something that's hard and takes work but when the relationship is at that level it is something truly special.  I choose to be friendly with a lot of people but I carefully choose who I let in.  True friend ship is something that doesn't require anything from the other person.  In fact I would say that true friendship is more giving than receiving.  

I had a great conversation with my friend Tim this morning.  We've gotten to know each other through work and have known each other for almost five years.  Tim's a person who's very genuine and our conversations and time spent with each other is effortless.  The last time we spoke with each other was at the world junior championships before they got shut down because of Covid.  Those couple of days where spent watching some great hockey but we spent more time just talking about our families, life and just anything that came to mind.  The conversations we have together are often deeper than we realize but the way we have them is so effortless.  We don't judge each other's views we just listen to each other and enjoy the differences.  

What I value the most about our friendship is how we lift each other up and most of the time we don't even know were doing it.  We have this way of talking and sharing with each other things that are important in our lives.  So many times the same things are relevant in my life so to be able to share them and understand the impacts to our lives is incredible.  

I am blessed to have friends in my life like Tim.

Mr, Ian Repay

Struggling but not hiding

 Only a few weeks in and things have started to get a little off of the path.  It's been tough to keep a routine in place because I'm traveling every single week.  I would thought that by now I'd have figured out a routine as my job hasn't really changed for years.  However I've come to terms with my self that I'm not a creature of routine, its not in my DNA.  What I'm doing now is taking advantage of small windows of opportunity.  I'm at my best when I squeeze in a few minutes of training between meetings, pushup and sit ups after breakfast and before my next coffee (BTW I'm a HUGE espresso fan).  I used to get upset with myself for not "scheduling" my training for a set time of the day like early mornings.  I found that this would work for a while then when I wasn't able to get to this time it was especially de motivating.  

Coming to this realization helped me to smooth out the "ups and downs" and realize that any amount of training is still training.  In my business world I have the perfect mix of structure and randomness.  This is who I am and this is what works for me.  

I used to get envious of people that had structure in their lives.  It must be so much easier for them to accomplish their goals, on the surface it seemed effortless.  I've come to realize that what's on the surface can be very different to what's bubbling underneath.  It's easy to get caught up comparing myself to these kinds of people and then trying to change who I am.  I won't do that anymore because that's not who I am and it almost derailed my entire Kung Fu life last year.  I got caught up in comparing myself to others and when I felt that I wasn't measuring up I retreated and retreated and retreated.  I retreated so far the I was a breath away from pulling the pin and giving up for good.

So here I am, less than a month into the year of the Tiger and I'm struggling.  I'm behind on some of my requirements and to be honest I'm behind on most of them.  BUT I'm not comparing my progress with anyone else's.  This is my journey and I'm not going to hide under that glass rock.  I'm going to admit when I'm struggling.  I'm going to struggle and I'm going to fail but I'm not going to let those struggles and failures de rail the real progress that I'm making this year.  I'm still moving forward and the best part is, I'm having fun doing it.

Mr. Repay

What's my intent?

 '

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and my wife and I were just talking about this.  Tensions are high right across the country with the protesting at the boarder crossings and in Ottawa.  I can see things coming to a head and I'm concerned with the outcome.  

My wife and I started to talk about the outcomes of the protesters.  We talked a lot about them, what they're doing, their families, their livelihoods and the repercussions that some of them will feel as a result of their actions.

This brings me to intent.  What was their intent?  Was it to freely express their views as I think a majority of them did.  Did the intent change from day one to today?  It's important to reflect back on this question as I'm curious if it's changed over the course of two weeks?

When I think about intent personally I sometimes need to take a step back and really think about it.  Sometimes it's easy to see but many times it isn't.  I further reflect on my intent and what it's serving?  Is it serving my ego or it serving something else?  In the past my ego drove my intent, 100% of the time.  Today my ego is still there but because of my training I can see it at work.  I can see it manifest it's self way quicker than I could in the past.  I'm not blind to it and it's not controlling me like it used to.  

My training at SRKF has taught me to ask the question "what's my intent?" and it's impact on me is far greater than my physical Kung Fu.  It's become part of me, part of my personality and I couldn't be more grateful.

Mr. Repay

Engaging my hips

I've really started to focus on releasing my hip and then engaging my hips with my shoulders.  What I've noticed was the huge disconnect in my Kung Fu especially when it came to generating power.  At this point in my Kung Fu I know my forms and the moves within them. What I was doing and what I'm working on is engaging my hips in conjunction with my shoulders. I've noticed a big difference in my Kung Fu.  I'm starting to feel more consistently the "push and the pull" and last night's class was very important to my progression.  I really enjoyed how Sifu Ryback used Loa Gar and the double wrist escapes to try to teach us this with out telling us exactly that. 

When I'm doing 18 Temple Motions I'm really focusing on my hips and shoulders.  Am I connecting them to my form?  I'm thinking about each movement in the form and asking myself "am I engaging my hip and connecting my shoulders?". Sometimes is easy to see the opportunity but sometimes it's very subtle.  

I'm really enjoying my training and when I uncover these nugest of gold it motivates me to want more. 

Mr. Repay

Eyes on the road

I’m a huge racing fan and through the career I’ve chosen, I’ve been lucky enough to get some time on racetracks and learn the very basics of driving a race car.  The very first lesson I was taught happened well before I was behind the wheel.  I was told by my instructor that safety was above all else.  That kind of goes without saying but when you flying down the race track as high speeds your not really thinking that much, your more reacting to the situation.  

When my instructor started teaching me about safety he talked A LOT about where I should be looking.  He said if you look where you want to go, you’ll go there.  Sounds simple enough but then he added on.  If your looking just in front of your car your not going to be able to see the cars that are a few lengths in front of me nor am I able to see the upcoming corner.  That corner comes up so quickly and if you want to get around it safely and with speed you need to see it coming, place the car where it needs to be, brake and downshift then hit the apex. If you do all of these things correctly you’ll hit the apex and carry the speed out of the corner.  

If I move my eyes too far down the track how can that be a bad thing?  I’m looking far down the track too see how far the next car is in front of me, I’m looking to position my car where it needs to be in two turns down the track.  Doesn’t seem like a bad idea right?  Nope not the best either.  If I’m constantly looking that far ahead I’m missing the small details in the track that are right in front of me.  Missing these small details will scrub speed off of my car and ultimately slow me down and or I’ll miss the corner and off the track goes my car.  

I’ve been thinking a lot about racing and how it relates to my Kung Fu.  I believe they’re almost identical in how I approach my vision to my training and the track.  I have a set of goals and promises that I made at the start of this year.  These are the same as looking down the track with the right amount of vision.  They’re in front of me but they aren’t too far away as I’ve broken down the requirements into daily goals.  If I looked at the 50,000 push up target as one big number that would be like looking at turn nine when I’m turning into turn two.  Now if I focus only on push ups and sit ups and nothing else then I’ll make that turn but I’m missing what’s ahead of me because I’m so focused on that micro target.  I’d be happy that I made the number at the end of the year but I was so slow that I didn’t finish the race.

There is balance to my training this year.  I have my promises and they are in front of me.  Not too close that I can’t see anything else but far enough a way that I can make the corner, carry the speed and set myself up for the next.  

Mr. Repay

I don't want to train, I train.

This is something I've heard over and over for a very long time but before I got to the parking lot I started to forget about it. It's a simple concept that I've only started to put into practise. 

I will grade for my black belt this year.  

I will not be able to do that if I don't start to control my training. I can't rely on talent alone of which my Kung Fu skills are no where near being good enough anyway. 

I must accept that I need to apply myself to train in a way that's sustainable daily.  This morning I most certainly didn't want to train. However there was something nagging at me in the back my brain.  Something that kept getting louder and louder so that I couldn't ignore it anymore. It was the promise I made to myself, that promise of mastery. Down I went into my training hall and started to train.  Slowly at first, just swinging my stick and loosening up.  Things started to feel better, looser and then they felt great!  I did what I needed to do, more because I want to live up to that promise I made to myself than anything else.  

Mr. Repay

I am a teacher

 I think if I could do things over as a career, I’d be a teacher. Being a teacher comes with a lot of responsibility and good teachers understand that. I look at myself as a teacher that practises empathy and can bring out the best in people. I really enjoy teaching and I find that when I’m in that role I learn more than I think the person I’m teaching is learning. Perhaps we’re getting the same amount but in different ways? I recently joined the level one class in which I hadn’t attended in over a year. I was back in a place I forgot how much I enjoyed. I really liked watching all the students learn and adapt to what they were being taught. I could see the raw talent but also how they looked at their kung fu in ways I’d forgotten.  Then came the opportunity to teach. I wasn’t the sifu leading the class but yet I felt that I could help and contribute to some of the students. It was such a great feeling to help them with that technique and then watch them grow from my little bit of help for the rest of the class.

There was one time in my life that I want to share that’s changed my life forever. It’s when I moved to Winnipeg and was a partner in a business there. I arrived to a very broken and dysfunctional group of people. I must say that these were some of what people told me were “the worst of the worst” in the industry and to be honest a lot of them were, expect for Joey. Joey was a young man with a young family trying to do his best to support them. He wasn’t happy in the current role and when I asked him what he wanted to do he said he always enjoyed selling but no one gave him the opportunity. You see everyone in that shop didn’t think much of him and bullied him at times. I decided on the spot that I was going to take him out the next day and teach him how to sell. He was rough around the edges but he had some key personality characteristics that I liked. He was sincere and genuine and understood how to look after people the right way. My job was to teach him the other aspects of selling but it was worth it as I knew he’d succeed. And sure enough he became the best salesman on my team, but what happened next shook me to the core. One Saturday his wife and kids came to pick him up at the end of his shift. His wife came over to talk to me and thanked me for believing in Joey and giving him an opportunity to do sales. Then she said “It changed his/our lives”.

This is the most powerful and humbling things all at the same time. Being a teacher is so important to me as a kung fu martial artist but it’s also just as powerful in my life outside the kwoon. Thank you, Joey.

Mr. Repay

Participation & Engagment

With today being the lunar new year I'm taking a brief looking back on last year.  When I mean brief I do mean brief as there isn't anything I can do about last year.  When I create business reviews for my clients I limit the review on past years business to no more than 15% of my total time.  I'm much more focused on the year in front of my clients than what's behind them.  I can't change the past for my clients so why spend so much time dweling on it? We're focused on what we can do together and the plan for the upcoming year.  Guess what's needed for the plan to succeed?  Yup everyone has to participate and live up to thier commitments that we've made to each other. 

My lack of partcipation with my training and more importantly my team was abysmal.  Because I wasn't participating on a regular basis I started to feel myself pull away and dis engage for long periods of time.  I'd gotten to the point that I was a hairs breath away from throwing in the towel on my Kung Fu journey.  It's hard to admit that becuase Kung Fu has become such a posative part of my life for almost twelve years and yet I was ready to walk away.

When I look back, I can clearly see that most important thing I needed to do was participate more.  I gave myself so many excuses to justify that Kung Fu wasn't for me anymore.  The more I told myself this the more I fell backwards and disengaged even more.  

That's the key to most everything isn't it, partcipating?  Showing up and and taking part with like minded individuals is all I need to stay the course and see the benefits of my Kung Fu.  I just need to make sure that I'm participating but I see it as a key part, no the most important part to staying engaged.  

Mr. Repay

Throwing kicks in the kitchen while boiling eggs.

 By reading the title of this blog your probably thinking waaaaaaaa????

I forgot how much fun it was to throw kicks in my kitchen.  I used to do this all the time and I actually got a lot out of this.  Let me explain, when your cooking in the kitchen there are all sorts of sharp and hot things all around you.  

Like this morning when I was cooking some boiled eggs for breakfast.  Hot pot of boiling water on the front burner of my stove.  Right next to the stove I thought it would be fun to practice a part of Loa Gar.  The part where there is a low kicking block followed by a palm sweeping block then the crane's wings with a front thrust kick.  I love how this flows so I started to play around with it WHILE the pot of boiling water was bubbling away right next to me.  

I was aware that it was there but I was also away of my technique all at the same time.  I found this "dual" awareness pretty cool and I loosely likened it to a bit of self defense.  When I reflected back on this, it has similarities to a multiple attacker scenario.  I would have to be aware of my surroundings while at the same time execute my techniques with precision.

Pretty cool realization and it all came from throwing kicks in my kitchen.

Mr. Repay

Year of the stick

 2022 is going to be the year of the stick for me.  This is the weapon that I’ve chosen for the Year of the Tiger.  Interestingly this is the first weapon I learned and the the one I want to master in the run up to my black belt grading. 

I’ve been drawn to hinged weapons (nunchucks to be exact) as I liked watching Bruce Lee movies as a kid.  They’re flashy and super cool.  The stick at first glance doesn’t look like a flashy style of weapon.  But I won’t let looks deceive me as I feel that the stick is a very cool weapon in it’s own right.  I’m pretty confident that a skilled martial artist can more than hold his own using a stick against nunchucks.

Last nights class was pretty amazing.  I hadn’t really picked up my stick (oh and it showed lol) in a long time.  However after a few minutes of getting to know each other we felt good together.  I enjoyed dusting off the HUGE amounts of cob webs from the stick form.  By the end of the night I was feeling a lot better and today I picked up my stick and kept going. I’m really enjoying the movements of the form, I can feel both the connection and disconnection of the six harmonies.  There are moments when things feel really good and there are a few more moments where they don’t.  

I’m grateful to have this next year to work on mastering the stick.  There are so many things that I’m going to learn and perfect along the way.  The best part of training with my stick is it makes the rest of my Kung Fu that much better.

Mr. Ian Repay

Time

This is the #1 most important thing in my life.  I never realized how important time is but I'm guessing many of us don't.  I also think that we all get to the realization but for some it's often too late.  I've spent most of my adult life chasing things I thought were more important than time.  Money being at the top of the list becuase I really didn't have much of it.  I chased prestige and titles at the expense of time with my family.  I thought that in order to be happy I needed to have more money and more "stuff".  How very very wrong I was.  What I needed was to find a balance between money and time spent on the things that truly matter.  

For many years I made decions based on chasing that "wealth goal" because when you don't have much of it you think this will solve your problems and deliver happiness.  It also doesn't help growing up and living in a society that preaches consumerism and wealth.  Chasing money and wealth consumed me for a good portion of my life.

Not anymore and not for the past few years.  I've come to realize that time is the most valuable thing in my life.  I have absolutley no idea how much more of it I have in front of me.  What good is all of the money in the world if I sacrificed time to get it?  What will I have lost?  What I enjoy the most is the time with my family, my wife, my children and being able to have the flexability to do the things that make me happy with them.  I wouldn't trade my current career for 10X the salary if it meant that I'd have to give up what I have right now.  Remember the old saying "careful what you wish for?", it's true.  There are times when opportunities are presented to me that make me take a step back.  At these moments in my life I really think and weigh the opportunity against my current situation.  I'm extra careful to weigh the pros and the cons and I make decisons based on what's most important to me and not for my ego.  And that's time.  

Mr. Ian Repay