Darkness

 I pulled back farther than I've ever pulled back these past three months.  I didn't attend class, didn't answer texts, and I even deleted Might Networks.  I was in a very dark place and the darkness felt good.  At least for the first while.  Then it got lonely which manifested into inactivity fueled by depression.  I could feel it consuming me, changing me in ways I didn't like.  However I couldn't, no wouldn't take the steps to make the changes I knew I needed.  I felt a ton of resentment.  Resentment toward the changes at the school, changes in my own work and personal life.  That resentment grew and and grew and instead of addressing them I withdrew.

I'm still struggling with a lot of things.  Resentment, jealousy, envy and anger.  I don't like these things in my life and I really don't like how they've changed me.  I've become pessimistic when before I was extremely optimistic.  I've let the smallest things set off my temper.  It's affecting relationships all around me and it needs to stop.  

Recently a friend of mine has been experiencing some personal depression.  He's having a hard time doing the little things like answering the phone, responding to text messages etc.  It's so bad that I'm afraid it's going to get him to a place that he can't come back from.  I found myself talking with him this very morning.  Sharing my experiences with withdraw, resentment and that oh so familiar glass rock.  I heard myself reassuring him that there are people that care about him, would never judge him and would do everything to help him.  Then it hit me like a tone of bricks.  I was looking directly in the mirror image of my own struggles.  I was giving advice when I needed to be taking it.  

I'm taking the first step by writing.  It's hard to admit these things but as I'm typing this blog the weight has started to shift.  I can feel it getting the slightest bit lighter.  There are two things that I that I think a lot about and have helped me lighten the load.

• Life is like a scale, it will always balance itself out.  However if you ignore it you won't like how it balances.  Or you can balance it yourself and you'll like the result.  This was shared with me by David Hawkins who at the time was the youngest president (35 years old) of the company that I worked for.  He took me on what I called the "walk to no where" on sunny fall day.  That bit of wisdom has stayed with me and will always be with me until the day I'm no longer here.
• A journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step.  Many people have been credited with this quote and to me it doesn't matter who, it's the wisdom that counts.  I've started this journey so many times and I'll continue to keep taking that first step as many times as I have too.  I know that there are going to be times when I need help and the difficult part will be to ask for it.  I am going to need that hand, that motivation to keep taking that step to keep moving forward.

Mr. Ian Repay