Darkness

 I pulled back farther than I've ever pulled back these past three months.  I didn't attend class, didn't answer texts, and I even deleted Might Networks.  I was in a very dark place and the darkness felt good.  At least for the first while.  Then it got lonely which manifested into inactivity fueled by depression.  I could feel it consuming me, changing me in ways I didn't like.  However I couldn't, no wouldn't take the steps to make the changes I knew I needed.  I felt a ton of resentment.  Resentment toward the changes at the school, changes in my own work and personal life.  That resentment grew and and grew and instead of addressing them I withdrew.

I'm still struggling with a lot of things.  Resentment, jealousy, envy and anger.  I don't like these things in my life and I really don't like how they've changed me.  I've become pessimistic when before I was extremely optimistic.  I've let the smallest things set off my temper.  It's affecting relationships all around me and it needs to stop.  

Recently a friend of mine has been experiencing some personal depression.  He's having a hard time doing the little things like answering the phone, responding to text messages etc.  It's so bad that I'm afraid it's going to get him to a place that he can't come back from.  I found myself talking with him this very morning.  Sharing my experiences with withdraw, resentment and that oh so familiar glass rock.  I heard myself reassuring him that there are people that care about him, would never judge him and would do everything to help him.  Then it hit me like a tone of bricks.  I was looking directly in the mirror image of my own struggles.  I was giving advice when I needed to be taking it.  

I'm taking the first step by writing.  It's hard to admit these things but as I'm typing this blog the weight has started to shift.  I can feel it getting the slightest bit lighter.  There are two things that I that I think a lot about and have helped me lighten the load.

• Life is like a scale, it will always balance itself out.  However if you ignore it you won't like how it balances.  Or you can balance it yourself and you'll like the result.  This was shared with me by David Hawkins who at the time was the youngest president (35 years old) of the company that I worked for.  He took me on what I called the "walk to no where" on sunny fall day.  That bit of wisdom has stayed with me and will always be with me until the day I'm no longer here.
• A journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step.  Many people have been credited with this quote and to me it doesn't matter who, it's the wisdom that counts.  I've started this journey so many times and I'll continue to keep taking that first step as many times as I have too.  I know that there are going to be times when I need help and the difficult part will be to ask for it.  I am going to need that hand, that motivation to keep taking that step to keep moving forward.

Mr. Ian Repay  

Consistency

I've struggled with this for a very very long time, actually as long as I've know myself. I get on a cycle where I have the best intentions and I can see the goal but I start to fail mid way through the journey. We've discussed it over and over as a team and I've gone over and over this with myself and with many Sifu's over the years. Yet I'm still on that cycle.  

I've recently come to realize that I'm more focused on the end result but I'm unwilling to put in the work/struggle to get there. Everything starts with big highs and the best of intentions.  Then along the way I miss a class, skip my daily pushups etc etc. One day turns to two then three then all stop.  It's a cycle that he perpetrated my life for too long and I really really need it to stop. 

I've also realized that in order to break this cycle I have to first be aware of why and I've finally think I've discovered/accepted that. Secondly I've forgiven myself and I'm moving on. Lastly its about the journey not the destination. This is going to be the hardest for me as I've liked to live my life based on this quote, "I just want the baby, not pain". 

When I reflect back on this quote it's been with me for a very long time. Subconsciously it's always back there, whispering to me and leading me down that we'll worn path.  Time to work on changing the path, it won't be easy but if I want to change my life I must. 

Mr. Repay

I'm still here, darn you glass rock!

 I'm still here, getting out from under that glass rock once again.  It's been a rough ride recently for a number of reason most of which I won't be sharing here.  

The one thing that I've struggled with once again is consistency.  There are lot of reasons why I haven't been consistent with my training or attendance and most every one of them comes down to choice.  Choice of where I place my priorities and choice as to what I choose to do with my time.  There have been a lot distractions recently.  Job is busy and taking me away from home a lot but this isn't anything new for me.  I have more opportunities to stay engaged because of the pandemic than I had in the past.  The classes are online, the one on ones are all virtual.  

What it's coming down to for me is choice.  I've been actively choosing other priorates over my Kung Fu.  It's hard to type that because there isn't an excuse to make rather its an admission of where I am right now.

What's keeping me going is everyone's blogs.  I'm reading them and seeing my teammates both succeeding and struggling just like me.  There are some blogs that I think are written just for me which I realize isn't the case.  However they speak to me in such a way that it brings me back, back from under that glass rock.

I can't say what the future holds for me but I can say that I'm grateful for all of my teammates.  You guys are my rock and you all are a HUGE part of my life even though I may not always make that known.

Mr. Repay

I am alive

I can feel the warmth of the spring sun on my face.

The gentle breeze across my cheeks.

In the distance I hear geese making thier arrival known.

The woodpecker looking for a late breakfast.

I hear the rustling of last year's grass and leaves in the breeze.

I feel alive

My friend you can't feel any of these things but,

Your all of these things around me.

I am alive. 

Mr. Repay

I am blessed

 True friendship is something that's hard and takes work but when the relationship is at that level it is something truly special.  I choose to be friendly with a lot of people but I carefully choose who I let in.  True friend ship is something that doesn't require anything from the other person.  In fact I would say that true friendship is more giving than receiving.  

I had a great conversation with my friend Tim this morning.  We've gotten to know each other through work and have known each other for almost five years.  Tim's a person who's very genuine and our conversations and time spent with each other is effortless.  The last time we spoke with each other was at the world junior championships before they got shut down because of Covid.  Those couple of days where spent watching some great hockey but we spent more time just talking about our families, life and just anything that came to mind.  The conversations we have together are often deeper than we realize but the way we have them is so effortless.  We don't judge each other's views we just listen to each other and enjoy the differences.  

What I value the most about our friendship is how we lift each other up and most of the time we don't even know were doing it.  We have this way of talking and sharing with each other things that are important in our lives.  So many times the same things are relevant in my life so to be able to share them and understand the impacts to our lives is incredible.  

I am blessed to have friends in my life like Tim.

Mr, Ian Repay

Struggling but not hiding

 Only a few weeks in and things have started to get a little off of the path.  It's been tough to keep a routine in place because I'm traveling every single week.  I would thought that by now I'd have figured out a routine as my job hasn't really changed for years.  However I've come to terms with my self that I'm not a creature of routine, its not in my DNA.  What I'm doing now is taking advantage of small windows of opportunity.  I'm at my best when I squeeze in a few minutes of training between meetings, pushup and sit ups after breakfast and before my next coffee (BTW I'm a HUGE espresso fan).  I used to get upset with myself for not "scheduling" my training for a set time of the day like early mornings.  I found that this would work for a while then when I wasn't able to get to this time it was especially de motivating.  

Coming to this realization helped me to smooth out the "ups and downs" and realize that any amount of training is still training.  In my business world I have the perfect mix of structure and randomness.  This is who I am and this is what works for me.  

I used to get envious of people that had structure in their lives.  It must be so much easier for them to accomplish their goals, on the surface it seemed effortless.  I've come to realize that what's on the surface can be very different to what's bubbling underneath.  It's easy to get caught up comparing myself to these kinds of people and then trying to change who I am.  I won't do that anymore because that's not who I am and it almost derailed my entire Kung Fu life last year.  I got caught up in comparing myself to others and when I felt that I wasn't measuring up I retreated and retreated and retreated.  I retreated so far the I was a breath away from pulling the pin and giving up for good.

So here I am, less than a month into the year of the Tiger and I'm struggling.  I'm behind on some of my requirements and to be honest I'm behind on most of them.  BUT I'm not comparing my progress with anyone else's.  This is my journey and I'm not going to hide under that glass rock.  I'm going to admit when I'm struggling.  I'm going to struggle and I'm going to fail but I'm not going to let those struggles and failures de rail the real progress that I'm making this year.  I'm still moving forward and the best part is, I'm having fun doing it.

Mr. Repay

What's my intent?

 '

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and my wife and I were just talking about this.  Tensions are high right across the country with the protesting at the boarder crossings and in Ottawa.  I can see things coming to a head and I'm concerned with the outcome.  

My wife and I started to talk about the outcomes of the protesters.  We talked a lot about them, what they're doing, their families, their livelihoods and the repercussions that some of them will feel as a result of their actions.

This brings me to intent.  What was their intent?  Was it to freely express their views as I think a majority of them did.  Did the intent change from day one to today?  It's important to reflect back on this question as I'm curious if it's changed over the course of two weeks?

When I think about intent personally I sometimes need to take a step back and really think about it.  Sometimes it's easy to see but many times it isn't.  I further reflect on my intent and what it's serving?  Is it serving my ego or it serving something else?  In the past my ego drove my intent, 100% of the time.  Today my ego is still there but because of my training I can see it at work.  I can see it manifest it's self way quicker than I could in the past.  I'm not blind to it and it's not controlling me like it used to.  

My training at SRKF has taught me to ask the question "what's my intent?" and it's impact on me is far greater than my physical Kung Fu.  It's become part of me, part of my personality and I couldn't be more grateful.

Mr. Repay