Mumble jumble and everything in between

This is a tough blog to write.  When I joined SRKF I joined because I wanted to get into shape and to become a black belt in kung fu.  When I think back what I thought a black belt was or what it represented is very interesting.  I can honestly tell you that I thought a black belt meant that you could fight and that you had "arrived".  There was ego in my mind when I think back to that time, "look at me, I'm a black belt thus I'm better than you".  Wow has a lot changed in the past four years.

I no longer think that earning a black belt means you have "arrived" rather it means you have reached a starting point.  A starting point for the rest of your life. 

This brings me to where I'm now.  I'm not sure where I am to be completely honest.  I have almost lost faith in what I am trying to achieve.  What I mean by this is that I'm no longer motivated by achieving my kung fu black belt.  I'm no longer wanting to work as I have in the past years to get to that point.  Why is this?  I don't really know and I can't put my finger on it.  However I do think that I haven't fully recovered from my failure last year.  I know that I haven't come to terms with where I am physically and where I was before I left to SC.  They may seem trivial to some but I know how difficult it was to get to that point and what I have to go through again just to get back there.  I know that I have not mentally prepared myself to want to go through that again. 

When I joined SRKF I was looking for a lifestyle, a way to live my life through my martial arts and my kung fu.  For the past four years I have loved this part of the martial arts.  Why now am I feeling like this lifestyle is no longer serving me?  Why am I looking at my kung fu in this way?

So what to do, where do I go from here?  Do I throw away four years of my life and quit?  I attended another school recently just to see what it would be like.  I will share with you that in some ways I liked it better.  In other ways not as much.  I have decided to continue with my kung fu and to see my journey continue.  For how long?  I'm not sure but one thing I am sure of is that I made a commitment to the I Ho Chuan Team.  There is no quitting the team and I refuse to break that commitment.  If there is only one thing that I can say that I achieved this year then I can at least say that I didn't quit.

I want to ask something of my team, if you don't hear from me or see me please reach out to me.  I will do the same for you.  It means a lot to know that the team still wants you as a team mate.

Ian Repay
Student Of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta, Canada
ianrepay@blogspot.com

Refusal

I refuse to write about my failure.  Ever week I could write about this as all I have done this year in my Kung Fu is fail. 

On a very positive note, my personal life is very good.  Busy with work but I'm enjoying what I'm doing.  Personal relationships are better than ever and I am very happy to have found the balance in this aspect of my life.

In regards to my training, it is what it is.  I am done with getting down on my self for not attending classes.  It is what it is and I refuse to mentaly barrage my self anymore.  I will get to as many classes as I can when I can.  I'm in a pretty happy spot right now in my life and I'm going to enjoy the ride.  Kung Fu is a big part of that.  Howevever I won't be sacrificing my happiness for anything.  This may sound like I'm being selfish but I don't care, I need to look after me and what matters most in my life.  This may take me away from the kwoon for extended periods.  I will do my best to be at the kwoon as much as I can.

Mr. Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu

Kwoon renovations

Very soon we are going to start the renovations to the kwoon.  I always look forward to this part of the year.  It not only makes the kwoon look neat and tidy but in some years the kwoon looked very different after we were finished!

Some of the best things about renovation week is the time spent with my training mates (sifu's included).  Its an awesome day to have a ton of fun with each other and find out a little bit more about each other.  This past year we had a blast and some grout founds it way on a bunch of us instead of the wall!  Its all part of the fun and its a great way to get things done even if it take a little more scrubbing to get the extra grout off the tiles :)

The other part I really like is the ownership aspect. We all have left sweat and blood on the mats during our training.  By committing like we do during training, leaves a sense of ownership and connection to the kwoon.  By participating in the renovations the same deep connection is built.  I know that when I see the men's shower stall that I had a hand in grouting those tiles with Mr. Smid and Sifu Ryback.  I know when I look up at the ceiling that I put on the 200th coat of paint on it.  Its that sense of ownership that is such a big part of my training and my connection to the kwoon.

I encourage all students to come out and lend a hand. It doesn't have to be days or hours, it can be minutes.  Just come out and make your mark durring renovation week. I assure you that you won't regret it.

Mr. Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta, Canada
ian.repay@blogspot.com

Canada Day

This past Canada Day I was witness to a very special ceremony.  It was the first time I have ever witnessed a citizenship ceremony.  Being born in Canada I have taken for granted more than once my citizenship.  I have never know war, bigotry, corrupt police etc.  I have grown up in a country that embraces foreign cultures and beliefs.  We welcome people from all walks of life and from all countries around the world.  All we ask is they learn our official languages, obey our laws and swear allegiance to the Queen of England.  By the looks of these new Canadian's faces, this wouldn't be a problem.

I was moved by the ceremony and was so glad that I got to witness it.  It got me thinking who in my family stood up and took the oath to become a Canadian?

Mr. Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu.
Stony Plain, Alberta Canada.

Why am I doing this?

This is a question that has been in my mind for some time.  Why am I training in Kung Fu?  Why am I a part of the I Ho Chuan team?  Lately I'm not sure what the answer is for either one.  I know that I have struggled and continue to struggle with big highs and big lows.  I know exactly when this current "low" started.  It was the day of the demo.  It was exactly the moment when I dropped my chuck so early on in my form.  At that very moment I was devastated...  I never recovered...  The very next day I had to get on a plane and fly to Montreal for the next week.  Being away didn't allow me the opportunity to get right back at it.  I let the time away in Montreal get the best of me.  I allowed myself to let defeat and disappointment take over.  The crazy thing is that it was easy....easy to let it take over and I did nothing to over come it.  The last three weeks have been the same for me.  I have been busy with work and I have been busy avoiding the kwoon.  I have been avoiding the people that I feel I let down.  I was picked to be part of the demo that day and I didn't perform.  I have been struggling with this and I have been way too silent.  I have been hiding and avoiding the people that I need and who need me.

Then I read Sifu Ryback’s latest blog and it sort of shook me up.  She’s absolutely right, our team is almost like a house of cards.  There are some strong cards on the bottom but there are so many cards that can’t support themselves let alone the rest of the house.

I'm not proud this and there is only one thing that I can do and that's get back to class and get back to training.  I have failed miserably personally this year and most disturbing is how badly I have let the team down. 

Mr. Repay
Student Of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta
ian.repay@blogspot.com

Happiness

I have reflected on this for some time.  What is happiness?  What really makes me happy?  Other than the obvious which is my family this is a hard one for me to nail down.

Does kung Fu make me happy?  Yes it does but it also makes me sad, angry, jubilant and most every other emotion that I can think of.  

So what makes me happy?  The answer to this has changed considerably as the years pass.  What once did it for me is no longer.  My perspective has changed and with it what makes me happy.  Now some of the most simplest things seem have the greatest effect on my happiness.  Talking time to rest and "smell the roses" is having the most impact on me.  No longer am looking to things that I don't have to bring me happiness.  In taking the time to enjoy the little things and not get down on my self for the "small things".

I'm happy and I can't really tell you why :)

Mr. Ian Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu.

Demo - personal dissapointment

This past Saturday we did the Stony parade and then a demo performance.  The parade was awesome and the demo looked great except for my part.  I dropped one of my chucks early on in the form and I was devestated.  I have been working hard on the form and have made it all the way through many times at the kwoon and on my own.  But when it comes time to represent the team and school I mess up.  I am going to admit that my confidence is shaken.  I know that I have to push through it and keep going.  I just have this feeling like I am dissapointing my sifu's the team and the school.  I was chosen to perform in the demo based on what the form looked like.  Yet when its time to show the public I choked.

So very frustrating and dissapointing.

Mr. Ian Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu.
Stony Plain, Alberta.