Mumble jumble and everything in between

This is a tough blog to write.  When I joined SRKF I joined because I wanted to get into shape and to become a black belt in kung fu.  When I think back what I thought a black belt was or what it represented is very interesting.  I can honestly tell you that I thought a black belt meant that you could fight and that you had "arrived".  There was ego in my mind when I think back to that time, "look at me, I'm a black belt thus I'm better than you".  Wow has a lot changed in the past four years.

I no longer think that earning a black belt means you have "arrived" rather it means you have reached a starting point.  A starting point for the rest of your life. 

This brings me to where I'm now.  I'm not sure where I am to be completely honest.  I have almost lost faith in what I am trying to achieve.  What I mean by this is that I'm no longer motivated by achieving my kung fu black belt.  I'm no longer wanting to work as I have in the past years to get to that point.  Why is this?  I don't really know and I can't put my finger on it.  However I do think that I haven't fully recovered from my failure last year.  I know that I haven't come to terms with where I am physically and where I was before I left to SC.  They may seem trivial to some but I know how difficult it was to get to that point and what I have to go through again just to get back there.  I know that I have not mentally prepared myself to want to go through that again. 

When I joined SRKF I was looking for a lifestyle, a way to live my life through my martial arts and my kung fu.  For the past four years I have loved this part of the martial arts.  Why now am I feeling like this lifestyle is no longer serving me?  Why am I looking at my kung fu in this way?

So what to do, where do I go from here?  Do I throw away four years of my life and quit?  I attended another school recently just to see what it would be like.  I will share with you that in some ways I liked it better.  In other ways not as much.  I have decided to continue with my kung fu and to see my journey continue.  For how long?  I'm not sure but one thing I am sure of is that I made a commitment to the I Ho Chuan Team.  There is no quitting the team and I refuse to break that commitment.  If there is only one thing that I can say that I achieved this year then I can at least say that I didn't quit.

I want to ask something of my team, if you don't hear from me or see me please reach out to me.  I will do the same for you.  It means a lot to know that the team still wants you as a team mate.

Ian Repay
Student Of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta, Canada
ianrepay@blogspot.com