Showing up

I would think that this should be the easiest thing to do, show up to class.  Lately my attendance hasn't been good.  The majority of these times have been because I've been out of town and traveling with work.  Having the classes online is a big help as long as I get to them.  Right now I'm sitting in the Edmonton airport about to board a flight. I'm out of town all of this week again on business. 

Reading Mr. Bjorquists blog had me thinking about my training the past little while. He was obviously having a very bad day but he showed up none the less.  Because he showed up it made a difference and he was able to keep moving forward. This is where I struggle, showing up when I need to the most. 

Every day, every second is a new opportunity to make changes both positive and negative. See everyone on the virtual mats tomorrow evening.

Mr. Ian Repay

Playing with multiple attackers

I've started to play again.  I'm inspired to train when (at those times I don't want to like this morning) I'm doing things that I really like to do.  Envisioning multiple attackers is something that makes me happy.  I get to play around with alot of techniques that I've learnt over the years.  I get to play with flow and how that flow feels with my body.  Some of the things I've tried don't work not because the techniques aren't sound but my body won't move easily and fluidly with them.  At times flexibility has made me rethink what I've wanted to do.  I'm working on things that work with the current state of my body not the body I had in my twenties lol!.  For the most part the moves are quick, precise and allow me to preserve the maximum amount of energy over the three attackers.  What's the point of trying to pull of some crazy Jackie Chan flying techniques if after the first one or two I'm gassed or I've pulled something which is quite possible in my older age?

I'm also focusing on the flinch.  This is something that's incredibly important and I think most people don't train for.  When we're calm the flinch is easier to handle. It's when the adrenealine has kicked in that the flinch becomes much more pronounced.  I'm playing with adding in a flinch to sort of beat my attackers Vs me reacting to it.  

This morning was alot of fun and here's what I've come up with so far in case your wondering.

Three attackers, one in front of me and one eack to the left and right.  

I'm starting off in a neutral stance with hands up and open.  I'm focused on the front attacker but I'm keeping both left and right attackers in the corne of my eye.  A quick side heel to the right attacker to move him back.  The front attacker comes forward with a hay maker that I duck under while moving slightly to my right while keeping my left hand up over my left ear.  A quick right hand vertical punch into the midsection with an overhead left elbow to the head takes care of this attacker.  

I've aquired the left attacker while looking over my right shoulder and proceed with a spinning back kick to the mid section followed up with a low hooking kick to the head of the slumped over attached, this one's finished.  

Back to the original attacker that has recovered and has a blunt stick like object.  He moves foward with a hay maker swing to my head.  I move forward with a double forearm block followed by a right hand knife hand strike to the neck.  Strip the weapon, move to an arm bar that breaks the elbow and this attacker is finished.  

Let me know what you think.

Mr. Repay

Apprehension but also positivity.

Today I leave for a week in Winnipeg. I haven't been back in four+ years.  That year was the hardest year I've ever lived.  I left my family behind to chase a dream of entrepreneurship and money.  I thought that's what I needed, more money.  Well let me tell you that's not what I needed after all.  

I learnt so much about myself that in someways it was worth it. It showed me that I don't need to chase money. I needed more time with my family.  I needed more time  to enjoy the things that mattered and it wasn't money, wealth etc.  I also learned that I really didn't want to be an entrepreneur.  What I needed to do was take this knowledge and use it to develop myself into the person I am right now. I wouldn't have found the opportunity with Continental Tire if I never left Michelin to go to Winnipeg. 

I'm apprehensive because I can't shake this feeling.  It was so very difficult, leaving my family behind after only being home for a couple's of days every month or so.  The terrible people that I had working for me that threatened my life on a few occasions.  What if I run into my old partner?  How am I going to react?  What am I going to say to them?  We left on good terms but haven't spoken a single word since the day I left.  

I'm probably thinking about this too much but it's kinda of how I'm wired.  

Now for some positive. My wife and I have been consistently walking every single day for the past 3 weeks. Something we decided to do together and it's been amazing. It's amazing not only because of the positive physical benefits, but it's mentally beneficial.  What I'm also liking is the habit that we've developed, the habit of making sure that every day we get out and get our walking in together. There have been days for both of us that we didn't want to get out but we pushed each other because we felt the benefits.  For me the benefit is so much more than physical activity, it's getting out and spending time with my wife that makes me so much happier.  I was in Calgary all last week on business.  We took the time to connect on a video call.  We walked and talked and shared the day with each other.  It was amazing ☺️.

Mr. Repay

Resentment and the power of gratitude.

I've been feeling this emotion for a long time.  Outside of the obvious emotions such as happiness, sadness, fear etc resentment is something I've carried with me for far too long.  I can trace feeling this emotion way back to being a child.  I think it started when in grade school I wasn't picked to be in the grade school class that I perceived to have the smartest kids or the most popular kids.  Seems odd that at such an early age I can recall this feeling but I can.  I think back and realize that this resentment was based on how I perceived things to be Vs how they may actually be.  This appears somewhat of a “normal” way of thinking as we sometimes percieve things that are very different once we dig a little deeper or have a conversation with someone.  I aslo realize that resenment and ego are joined at the hip.  Once my ego was bruised I immediatly resented those people becuase I percieved them as having something I didn't have or wasn't allowed to have.  In reality I'm sure that wasn't the case or at least wasn't the majority of the case that I was making out in my head at the time.

I’ve harboured these feelings for far too long.  I want these feelings to go away, I need them to no longer be a part of me.  I also know that it’s not that simple.  I know that this is something that I’m going to have to battle for the rest of my life.  

What I’ve come to realize is that gratitude is my weapon.  I have so much to be grateful for.  Most of this I’ve taken for granted and I haven’t taken the time to realize this.  Over the past couple of days I’ve really started to think deeply about gratitude.  What am I grateful for?  So many things, family, a loving wife that cares deeply for me, a roof over my head, food to eat and heat to keep me warm.  An amazing career that when I wake up in the morning there are times that I’ve literally pinched myself because I can’t believe I get to do this for a living.  I’ve found that if I keep gratitude in my heart then the resentment is easier to deal with.  I’ve gone back in my head and thought about certain points in my life where resentment has been a big part of my life.  I’ve forgiven myself for being the person that I was at that time.  After I did that it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulder.  I obviously couldn’t go back in time and change things but allowing forgiveness has allowed me to move forward.  

It’s only been a few days but already I can feel the change.  I can feel the weight lifted from my shoulders.  I feel positive in ways I haven’t felt before.  I also realize that this isn’t over.  This is something that I can’t hide and withdraw from.  I need to recognize it and use gratitude to overcome it.  

Mr. Ian Repay

Where to start...a promise.

The past six seeks has been a steady withdraw.  I haven't trained, I've avoided contact on Kwoon talk and basically ignord everything Kung Fu related.  So many excuses that to name them all here would take up the entire blog.  Not a single excuse has been a viable reason for my inactions and silence.  I've been thinking why I've retreated so much and I've come up some thoughts.

- What do I want or expect from Kung Fu?  This has been the area that I've focused my thoughts on the most.  When I think back to when I started there was one main reason, I wanted to get back into shape, full stop.  When I started training and progressing through the ranks this is exactly what I got.  I think back to those earlier years and eventhough I was 10 years younger the training was 10 times harder than what it is today.  I think there are some valid reasons like the pandemic for obvious ones but I also think that the classes and how they are taught have also changed.  I miss things like the Saturday morning fitness class, open training and Tuesday evening San Shou classes.  These three classes are the #1 reasons for my high level of fitness and engagment.  I also must add that I have to take accountability here.  Even if these classes were still being held I think it wouldn't have changed where I am too much today.  

 

What do I need from my Kung Fu today?  I need to feel the connection that I felt in the past.  I'm not feeling it today because I've withdrawn and my ego is smack dab in the way!  How can I expect to feel a connnection with my team if I don't get to know them?  In the past I would use the fitness class and San Shou as the connection.  When you bleed and sweat togther you develop a special kind of bond with each other.  Getting kicked in the ribs, punched in the nose and maybe, just maybe a good bell ring here and there is what I need?  In the past the competition of the San Shou class was amazing, the challenges the pushing past my limits and the above mentioned physical contact really helped me develop a bond with a core group of students.  I miss that and I've come to realize that we may never get back to that.  So what if we never get back to that level of training?  Should I continue to training eventhough I don't feel like I'm getting the same things from my Kung Fu?  Has my Kung Fu reduced it's self to just wanting to getting punched in the face?  Maybe and in some ways it think it has.  HOWEVER there's more to it.  

These things helped me stay engaged, stay motivated and helped me get my butt to the kwoon.  When I was in my regular class my fitness level was ahead of the class so I could push farther and harder.  I was also like a sponge when it came to learning, I think my higher level of fitness helped keep my mind focused and fresh.  I also realized that at that time I was a yellow belt so there was SOOOOOOO MUCH to learn that everyday seemed like it was Christmas morning.  I vividly remember that as a orange belt and year one of the I Ho Chuan.  At that time we had to learn Loa Gar from a student and not from a Sifu.  It was a much higher level form as well.  I can recall the excitment that I felt and honour of being "allowed" to learn this form so early on and it was kind of an exclusive thing resevered for members of the I Ho Chuan.  I may be wrong about this but that how I felt about it.  Now to be able to only learn it from a student was super cool.  I had to seek out other students and humbly asked for thier help.  I had to learn from so many different people and different times.  I remember learing parts of it before class, after class, in the change room and on open training Saturdays.  I miss this style of learning so much.  

Now it seems that we're learning everything at a white belt level and my ego hasn't been able to handle it and thus resentment and jealousy has creep in.  When I realized these two emotions I withdrew even more to where I am today.  

So where do I go from here?  I made a promise when I signed onto the team this year and that quiting isn't an option.  That's been on my mind for the past four weeks and becuase of that promise I made I won't quit.  But that also has me thinking about this roller coaster of ride that I'm on.  I don't like roller coasters and I don't like the big highs and the massive lows.  I don't know how much more of this I can take before I actually do "pull the pin" and quit?  Thanks to Mr. Bauer for reaching out to me this weekend.  He cared about how I was doing and he sent me a quick message.  I needed that and the timing couldn't have been better.   I've felt a ton of guilt the past month as I've been a horrible teammate, I haven't been at class, I've missed the last Thursday meeting and I can't remember the last I Ho Chuan class that I attended?  So where do I go from here?  I keep moving forward and I keep that promise of not quiting.  I have a lot of ground to cover and I know that I won't cover it all.  I'm ok with that becuase I'm still moving forward thanks to Mr. Bauer.

This sounds like a pity party and that may be the case but right now I writing for me and for how I'm feeling and where I am.  I don't write for other people and for how I want them to see me.  I don't write to portray myself as something I'm not and I sure as heck don't write to impress a teacher or anyone else.  I write because I need to. I need to get my feelings out of my head and out into the world.  It helps me cope with what I'm feeling and where I am right now.  I need to keep moving forward and this is a small step forward for me.

Mr. Repay