Momentum of habbit - I'm living it

Right of off the top, I have not read or engaged in reading blogs for months.  There is a reason for this and I'll get to that in a bit. 

I'm sitting in the Winnipeg airport waiting to board a flight from my home here to my other home back in Stony Plain.  Huh?? Yes I have two homes the one in Winnipeg is the one where I live by myself and the one in Stony Plain is where my family is living.  Some would think that I'm divorced or separated...nope.  I'm happily married and I miss my kids terribly.

So then what am I doing?  I'll get to that in a minute as well but the reason for this blog is because of Sifu Adrien Prince's blog that he wrote in April that I just read this afternoon.  He could have been writing all about me and what I have gone through since May.

I haven't fallen off earth but in fact have moved myself to Winnipeg to follow a life long dream.  I willingly left my family behind to embark on a journey that has seen epic highs and devastating lows.  I moved to a city where I knew no one well, didn't have a permanent place to live when I got here, had no belongings other than clothes and a few odds and end that I fit in my truck.  I had a week to find somewhere to live and I have never spent more than a day in this city prior.  You can truly find out a lot about yourself if you put yourself into this scenario and which mirrors what Sifu Price wrote about.  So what am I doing here in Winnipeg?  I'm following my dream of entrepreneurship.  I was given an opportunity to be part owner of a company in Winnipeg and it all happened to come together in what felt like a blink of an eye.

Over the past six months I have found a place to live, bought a bed, pillows, plates, forks, knives and even salt and pepper.  I had literally nothing when I got here because I didn't know where I was going to live when I showed up.  I have been happily married for 19 years and I have NEVER lived on my own.  I had to learn to do everything on my own, how to manage stress without being able to come home and get a hug from my wife when you had the worst day of your life.  I had to learn how to stay engaged with my family when I could only get home once a month at best.  The two words that have come to symbolize the journey so far are courage and perseverance with perseverance being the most important one.  The ability to keep moving in the face of defeat, the ability to take things in small increments and take comforts in small victories.  It reminds me of the lesson of incremental progression.  I couldn't have done 1,000 push up in one day if I didn't break the number down into smaller more manageable parts.  I couldn't have done the thing I did during my time on the I Ho Chuan team if not for the important lesson that I learned. 

I haven't been part of SRKF for the past year but SRKF is always part of me.  My kung fu continues to serve me and I know that in whatever way it will serve me for the rest of my life.

Ian

The war inside of me

I miss Kung Fu.  I miss my Kung Fu family more than ever. 

I have been going through an epic struggle, alone.  I have retreated into myself, and have listened to many voices inside my head.  So few posative, so many negative. 

I haven't attended classes in forever.  I have made many excuses to myself but none of them are true.  I have retreated into self pity.  I have totally accepted that I have failed in my journey.  I have given up on my Kung Fu after five years of dedication, blood sweat and lots of tears.

This has been tearing me up inside.  I don't know how to cope with this struggle?  I don't know where to go from here?  I don't know how to battle the war that wages inside myself?  Why can't I just get over myself and kick things back to the way it was, when I was flying high?  Why is it so difficult to move forward when it's easier to watch life go by on sidelines?  I have been watching for the past year and deep down in my soul, I don't like it.  It leaves a big  hole in my soul, and those who understand are the ones who have trained and became part of the family. 

The war continues to wage inside.

Mr. Ian Repay

Year of the Sheep

With one week to go until the year of the sheep closes, I'm reflecting on the year.  It was the toughest year yet for me even though it was the strongest start to a year that I have ever had.  I started out with choosing the double broadswords and developed my first ever form.  I was flying high, I was getting my reps in, blogging and even attending all of my regular classes.

Then things changed in my professional life.  I was offered a promotion to my career that I couldn't pass up.  I was only a year and half into my current role in a brand new industry yet I had proven myself and was been offered an incredible opportunity.  That's when my Kung Fu wheels literally fell off.  They didn't even really wobble they just flew off!  I was traveling every week learning about my new role, spending time with my new team across Western Canada.  Before I knew it it was Christmas and I hadn't spent more than a total of six classes from July until then at the Kwoon.  It's hard to describe the impact that has on ones mental state as well as physical state.  The kwoon and the family has such as strong pull and when your not there you feel guilty for not being there for them.

However I digress as I want to continue explaining how the year of the sheep has affected me for the better.  I learned that ENGAGEMENT is the #1 and only key to success in the I Ho Chuan and in life.  I struggled with staying engaged on the road.  I struggled with reasoning with my self why it was so important to keep doing the push ups and situps.  I can tell you that the blogging, the sit ups and the push ups are the best ways to stay engaged.  I found that when times are tough to share these struggles through my blog.  I found that it was easy to go into silence and not reach out for help, however this was the worst thing I could do.  I did reach out through my blog, through texts with friends of mine on the team just to try and stay engaged.

Finally I learnt this year that this is truly a life long process of mastery.  You can't decide one day to be "all in" and then not the next day.  I found that I needed to fully commit to the process in order to fully appreciate and understand the power that can be found within this journey.  I haven't fully embraced the process yet but I have realized that this is only way that the changes I make will stick for years to come.  

I want to thank all the members of the Sheep team for a great year!

Mr. Ian Repay
Student Of Silent River Kung Fu

Posativity and Attitude

I have read and re read a lot of my recent blogs.  Wow do they have a negative tone to them!  I didn't quite realize how negative they were until I stepped back and re read them. 

I don't feel that I can make the changes to my life and my Kung Fu by having this mindset.  I need to change my perspective on how I look at things.  Even in my darkest places there can be positives as long as I take the time to recognize them. 

Another area where I need to look at things differently is what Steven Covey explain as "sharpening the saw".  In essence it means to do things that are posative both mentally and physically in order to keep our mind and body or "saw" sharp.  I have been neglecting both aspects in my life and I can tell you that my "saw" is pretty dull right now.  However I sharpened the first teeth last night.  I spent the evening with my friend and his family having a wonderful supper and visit.  I also had done something that I hadn't done in years and that was strap on my hockey skates and play some pond hockey.  It was amazing to get back on the ice and play with my friend and his two young sons.  I realized after reflecting on my evening that I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and start to do the things that make me happy.  Last night was a first step in shedding my poor attitude and the start of re sharpening my "saw".

Finally, see you on the mats this evening :)

Mr. Ian Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta.

Where is up?

I felt like this year was the year I fell so far down that I'm not sure where up is?  I will say that this is 100% my fault.  I allowed myself to go in this direction and I did nothing to turn it around.  My mind kept and keeps telling me "why start over", "why bother anymore"?  I will admit that I have listened to these voices in my head and I have allowed myself to keep falling.  I know that I'm on a path that isn't good both for my physical and mental state however I can't seem to motivate myself to get off of it.  I am ashamed of where I have let myself get to but am I ashamed enough to do something about it? 

People say that smoking is the hardest thing to do.  I can't speak to that as I haven't smoked.  However I have also heard that people will fail to quite unless they are ready.  What does that exactly mean?  Does something have to happen in thier life physically like a stroke to jolt them into making the decision to quite for the betterment of thier health?  I look at myself and see that I'm not healthy physically or mentally like I want to be.

But I'm scared to do something about it.  I'm not sure if scared is the right word to describe this but am I ready to quite the lifestyle of poor eating, no exercise and no mental exercise?  I am ready to give up a life of mediocrity?  I don't know and I am ashamed to admit that as that is what our journey in this program is all about.  I actually have spent the better part of the year going in the opposite direction embracing the thing we are trying to get rid of.  So why am I where I am right now?  I thinks because its the easier path to follow.  The path of least resistance is easy to follow and I haven't been ready to put the work in, change my thinking and re commit to the process. 

I have to.  I have to change.  I have begun to change by writing this blog today.  I have taken the first step and I will take the next one and the next. Change must start with me.  One step at a time.

Mr. Ian Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu