Slown and steady wins the race.

It's been more of a struggle this year than last.  Lots of reasons (excuses) for this and none of which are justification for where I've been recently. 

What I have been focusing on is getting back to a routine. Working on my push ups and sit ups in small sets. I'm not pushing hard right now to do fifty push up sets but rather ten push up sets multiple times through out the day.  I'm throwing in some forms as well as some techniques.  It's kind of like I've "weaponized" my training in small bites Vs setting aside a big chunk of time.  Ultimately this works for me and it's easier to sustain. I've realized that I need to do what works for me and only for me when it comes to my training.  I'm getting to a better mental place because of this which is helping with my physical training as they're intrinsicly linked.  

This I Ho Chuan year is going to be messy and dirty but perhaps this is exactly what I need?

Mr. Repay

Resentment and negativity

 I’ve struggled with resentment for a very very long time.  I actually can’t remember a time where I haven’t felt resentment of some kind.  When I think of resentment I thinking more toward comparing my pain and that of what I perceive in other people.  I look at myself and my struggles throughout my life.  Then I look at other people and expect them to struggle just like me.  When I see someone who isn’t struggling like I had I feel immediate resentment and in some ways I want them to not be as successful or as positive as they are.  I can’t shake this even though I’ve tried to change my thinking.  I’ve even looked at it in such a way that other people may be struggling with life in ways that I’m not.  It works for a little while but then I get back to my old ways of thinking. I really want to get past this as when I’m in this mindset I’m not a very good person and I pull back to the extreme.

This is where I am right now.

I don’t want to feel like this, I don’t want to carry this negativity for any longer in my life.  I know I have to let go but I don’t know how to fully let go?  I keep carrying this burden of pain that seems to have embedded it’s self into my very core.  

When I think back to when it all started for me I can almost pin point it.  When I was very young I was cut from my hockey club.  I was too young to really understand the reasons but from what my parents told me the reasons were “political” in nature.  Up to that point I had never felt failure and I was always succeeding at a high level.  Looking back on this moment I felt a lot of anger that someone (an adult) could take this way from me for reasons that had nothing to do with my ability.  I used that anger to push myself and to prove them wrong.  What I’ve realized is that I haven’t stopped trying to prove myself.  But what am I trying to prove and to whom?  

The second instance I can think of was a particular teacher in grade nine that told me I wouldn’t amount to anything.  He physically threw his keys and black board brushes at me, hit me in the back of the head and actually had one of my contacts come out and land on my books.  He constantly “bullied” me in a mental and physical way during that school year.  I was determined to prove him wrong, to show him that I was smarter and that I would amount to more than he ever thought I would.  I’ve resented him for all of these years and through writing this blog I realized how deeply it’s hurt me.  

I need to let go, to let myself feel like I have nothing left to prove to anyone.  Writing this blog has helped me move in the direction.  I still don’t feel like I’ve let it all go and I’m still fearful that I’m going to fall back into this mindset.  As I type this final sentence I feel a tremendous amount of weight lifted from my soul.

Mr. Repay

Poverty

This is a topic that I must admit I haven't experienced first hand. However as I'm getting older it's something that has become more important to me.  

My wife and I grew up in small town Saskatchewan.  I have a really close knit family that had a farm and everyone had a massive backyard garden. We never went hungry, ever.  But we also didn't have some of the "luxuries" that my friends had growing up.  This never bothered me because my parents raised me to appreciate what we had not to envy what others had.

My wife and I started our family before we both turned 20.  It was hard, we didn't have alot and we struggled finacially for many years. When we moved to Alberta in 2001 from Saskatchewan it was a shock to say the least.  Culturally the two provinces were at opposite ends of the political spectrum. My wife didn't work and I was making very little at the time. 

We never were below the "poverty line" but if it wasn't for our families helping when they could I think we may very well have slipped below it.  Over the past ten years things have drastically improved for us and we been able to travel quite a bit.  We've been to quite a few central American and Caribbean countries.  We love the culture and the people so much but the poverty has been eye opening.  To see how much people earn and how much it costs people just to eat is tough to comprehend. I know that my family has wasted more than many families in these countries earn in a month, year etc.  

I've been so "busy" working on making my families life better that I've not taken a look at what I can do to improve other's lives. Through my Kung Fu I've developed a higher level of mindfulness and empathy that has helped me see things like poverty in a different light.  I'm beyond thankful for where I was born as we have so much opportunity in this country. At the same time there is poverty all around me and I don't even have to leave my province or country. I'm ashamed to reflect on my own wastefulness as so many people could benefit from what I take for granted and for what I waste.  I would like to say that I've erradicated all of my wastefulness and moved to a minimistic style of living. But that's not true.  I'm working with my family to be more aware of where we are wasteful so that we can change our habits. It's a slow process but we are making the changes and seeing improvement in this area everyday. 

Mr. Repay

Friendships

 I'ts been a tough two weeks.  I developed what I thought was a really good friendship over the past three years.  It started out through my work and grew from there. Two weeks ago things fell apart and it's hit me really hard. I've been struggling mentally and emotionally and I didn't really see it coming.

Friendships are such an interesting dynamic.  There are times when those relationships feel like family and then there’s times where they feel just awful. I love people and I really value meaningful relationships, maybe too much.  I really enjoy meeting new people, understanding who they are and what makes them who they are.  I enjoy seeing these relationships develop and helping any way that I can.  I’ve developed relationships through business that have been amazing but most of them haven’t turned out the way I expected them to.  Too may times these relationships are there because someone wants something from me.  

This is where my problems lie, I want to always see the good in people not the side of them that they show me just to get something from me that benefits them.  I’ve been taken advantage many times before because I trusted right from the start where there are some people that live by the mantra of “you need to earn my trust”.  

I don’t want to change who I am but I also need to be more aware of the reasons people want to be my friend.  I don’t know where I going to be from here in regards to who I let into my life.  Recently I’ve been really careful who I let in.  As I’m getting older I don’t feel like I want more people inside my inner circle, I don’t want my friendship to be taken advantage of.  I want people to show me who they truly are not who they think I want them to be. 

I’m sadden right now because I’m dealing with a situation just like I’ve described.  We’ve both made mistakes and I really hopeful that we can move past them.

Mr. Ian Repay

For the love of the game

 Doing something purely for one’s love of something rather than for money or any other benefit.  This is doing something for the love of the game.  I’ve kind of forgotten this and thinking about my love of Kung fu has brought me back a little.  This year there is a lot on my plate, I Ho Chuan requirements, earning my second degree so that I earn the right to grade for my black belt. I started to doubt myself as to why exactly I decided that I wanted to make this year my potential grading year.  Things have started to overwhelm me a little and I needed to take a pause for a brief moment.  A moment to reflect on why I chose to be a martial artist and why I decided that I wanted to earn my black belt?  I needed to get back to my love of the game.

That love was why I made my first step inside the Kwoon over a decade ago.  That first step was to get into better physical shape by doing something I knew I always wanted to try.  I kept going back to class because the people become like family members to me.  We laughed, we cried and we shed blood sweat and tears together.  The whole while we grew closer by helping each other grow and become better people.  That better person has become me because I loved attending class, I loved learning new things and building some great relationships with everyone there.  That was and still is my love for the game I just forgot about it.  

I’ve come to realize that when I lose this I need to do the simple things.  For me that includes putting my uniform on and tying my belt.  It may seem like a simple thing but it get’s me in the right mental state to train.  My next step is to pick up my nunchucks, they are the weapon I love the most and just holding them motivates me to want to train.  When times are mentally difficult for me these are two things that help bring me back.  It’s the little things along with the big things (structure) that I lean on to make sure that I’m not losing what I love.

Mr. Repay

Kung Fu isn't for everyone but it's for me.

"Kung Fu isn't for everyone but it's available to everyone" is a direct quote by Sifu Brinker that he wrote as a comment on my blog a few weeks ago.  This has gotten me thinking about my journey these past ten years. 

When I think back to my white, yellow and orange belts everything was new and shiny.  There was so much to learn that advancing through the ranks was methodical and so much fun.  As I moved through green and blue things really started to change. These mid rank belts took alot longer to move through than I was used to. Things were still "shiny" but they amount of new that I was learning had dropped off. I had to start to focus on the fine details or my eye for detail.  This was tough on me as I'm not a person that likes the details as much then as I do now.  When I got blue belt my life took a big turn. I changed careers, moved away to South Carolina and things fell off the rails. I actually quit SRKF...  During this time I changed careers and moved away to Winnipeg for over a year while my family stayed behind in Stony Plain.  My Kung Fu couldn't have been farther from my mind.  Fast forward to 2018 when I came back to SRKF.  Something was always missing in my life with out SRKF.  I wasn't a complete person with out it. 

Now I'm at the point where Sifu Brinker made that comment on my blog. I will admit I was taken aback by it. I took the better part of a week to try and understand what he was trying to tell me?  I booked a "one on one" and we talked about it.  It was at that moment I understood what he was trying to tell me.  It was an awakening for me, that moment when clarity entered my mind.  I can truly say that some of my most engaging Kung Fu has been over the past two weeks.  I'm getting stronger, my kicks are getting much better and mentally I'm in a good place.  The challenge will be to keep the pace, not let this momentum wain.  What's helping me keep the pace is a combination of many things.  One on ones, attending my classes, being consistent with my I Ho Chuan requirements engaging with other team members.  

The most important thing is engaging with my family and having them with me on this journey.  This hasn't happened in years past and I can see the difference.  In particular having my wife hold the bag on Sundays when we do our kicks has been so important to me.  She's there counting my kicks, giving me feedback and most importantly encouragement!  Her steadfast support and encouragement is the keystone to my success.

Some updates

 Today I felt like writing about some updates.  Last week I wasn't feeling great mentally and I let that mental state affect my training.  I didn't stop training but I wasn't training at my normal level.  One thing that resonated with me was something Sifu Brinker said during one of our meetings.  He made mention that some of us would be struggling one week into the Year of the Ox.  Well that was me but what surprised me is that it's only one week in.  For some reason I was thinking that we were a significant way into the year and I was starting to feel some pressure on my preparation for my grading.  What's really interesting is that once I realized that, I started to feel much better about where I am.  I have to be careful to not get too complacent with my training either.  I just need to ensure that I know where I am and where I'm heading.

The I Ho Chuan meeting this Thursday and the Saturday brown belt meeting was also a massive help to me.  It was great to hear and see everyone on the team.  Listening to everyone share where they are and how helpful everyone is to one an other is such a motivating factor.  I also realized that I need to schedule "one on ones" which for some reason I resisted.

I'm really enjoying the Saturday fitness class that Sifu Thomson is holding.  When I think back to years past the Saturday fitness class was such a HUGE reason for being in great shape.  I'm not a fan of cardio but Sifu Thomson found a routine that made it "cough cough"....... enjoyable.  

Finally this afternoon the Kohuts, Bjorkquist's and myself (with my my wife) ran through the kicks and punch portion of the black belt fitness exam.  Tons of work is needed but I really enjoy getting together as a group, cheering each other on and seeing the (in my case) minute progress lol!  

So if I'm going to tie a bow on all of this, engagement is the key.  Even when I don't feel like being engaged, I have to find the ways to keep engaging.  We have a great group of people that I absolutely love training with and they are the keys to success!

Mr. Repay