Reflecting on the last 9 years

I recently made a decision to get back to my training with Silent River Kung Fu.  I reached out to Sifu Brinker and we had (as always) an amazing conversation.  In fact we both had been thinking of each other as recently as two weeks ago.

I've recently gone back and re read a number of the blog posts over the past 9 years.  They all seem to have a similar theme to them, failure, self doubt and and self pity.  Re reading these posts has helped with perspective and growth.  I like many are not the same person nine years ago let alone one year ago.  I've changed significantly and I've grown as a individual.

The main area of growth is in the area of ego.  This has been one area that I've struggled with but over the past number of years I've been humbled and that's a very good thing.

I'm embarking on this journey for a number of reasons.  The number one is to achieve what a very small percentage of people achieve and that's my black belt.  Is achieving my black belt self serving and selfish? No, it's just a symbol or a marker of where I am in my journey.  I won't stop there as I want Kung Fu to be an integral part of who I am for the rest of my life.  I want to keep learning and teaching.  I want to mentor and develop as many students as I can until I can't do this anymore.

I feel rejuvenated and excited.  This is what I need and where I need to be.

Ian Repay

Personal goals and time for action

Since I have left Silent River Kung Fu and the I Ho Chuan program I have been finding that I have been drifting aimlisly through my personal life.  I haven't had any significant goals or any real direction and mediocrity has fully set in.

I went to work, did a good job and then came home, rested and repeated daily. Most of the time I wasn't in the moment and spent my down time in front of my phone wasting time on social media, YouTube etc. Don't get me wrong in that I'm not complaining about the state of my life, rather I'm pointing out that I don't have any clear direction and I'm not happy with mediocrity.  As a result of this realization I have fallen back on some of my training obtained through the I Ho Chuan program.  It's time to set some goals and put them out there publicly. 

1. Less personal time on my cell phone screen.  Limit personal use of my cell phone to 2 hours a day.  Spend more time in the "moments of life".

2. Read more books. One book per month.  Great exercise for my brain.

3. Exercise - minimum of 30 minutes per day.  Benefits are pretty self explanatory for both mental and physical health.

4. Less fast food - limit intake to twice per week.  I do a pretty good job here except for at lunch time.  The health benefits are obvious and the finances will benefit as well.

I'm going to publicly journal about my progress and start to mindfully take control of my personal life.  I don't want to "just let life happen" anymore.  I want to take control and direct my life the way I want.  It's time for me to take responsibility for my actions or inactions.

Ian Repay

Learning & Centering

I have learnt a lot about myself through my training and especially through the past year.  I have realized truly what my strengths are and I have been humbled by my weaknesses.  I now have a much better understand of who am I deep inside.  

Through this past year I have realized why I choose to do the things I do and the repercussions for those decisions both good and bad.  I have a lot more clarity on what's important in my life and how I assign my time and energy to those priorities.  

Number 1 is my family and the quality of those relationships.  For far to long I took them for granted.  Not anymore as every day with my family is blessing and I won't waste them.

Secondly the quality of life and how I see my life.  Money, power, title etc are things that no longer have the "cachet" they used to have.  If I continue to chase them at the expense of my family then was it truly worth it?  Not at all!  I have started to realize that those things don't matter as much and the true wealth is my family and the health of the realtionship I truly value.

Mr. Repay

Silent River Kung Fu is priviledge and a gift

This past Saturday I was invited by Sifu Brinker to come and speak to his current I Ho Chuan team.  I was humbled and honoured by the request as I haven't been a student of Silent River Kung Fu for the past two years.

I thought for a long time about what I wanted to talk about as a lot has gone on in my life since I left.  I decided that I would talk about how Kung Fu is a privilege and a gift. I talked a lot about how we take it for granted and that our Kung Fu training will always be there.  That sort of thinking is the farthest thing from the reality for most.  No one knows what tomorrow has in store for us.  No one has any idea if we will even be here and if we are what tomorrow will even look like. 

SRKF is such a special place with a whole lot of special people.  Don't take your training or your network of people for granted, ever.

Mr. Ian Repay

Pandamonium and coming home

I stopped by the kwoon for the first time in what feels like years when in fact it's been over a year since I left Stony Plain for Winnipeg to pursue a dream of business ownership. 

My life for the past year can be described by one word and one phrase.  The word is "perseverance" and the phrase is "figure it out".  I can write every day for a year about how these two things have come to describe my life and that of my families, especially this past year.  In future blog posts I will share some specific events that have taken place this past year that has truly defined these two things for me.

One thing that has remained constant throughout this year is SRKF and I havent even trained or placed a single step inside the kwoon for over a year.  It's always on my mind and it's truly part of my soul.  The thing that has allowed me to stay in touch with the kwoon has been the blogging by the I Ho Chaun team and Sifu Brinker's blog and yet no one even knew it...no one knew how important it was to me. 

I would look forward to seeing Sifu's blog land in my inbox.  I was the one thing (other than my immediate family) that kept me connected with home.  Those that have trained at SRKF can understand when I refer to the kwoon as my my home.  I would cruise over to the SRKF website and see who had posted thier blog there for me to read.  Sometimes it was disappointing to see that no one had posted for over a month.  I would read everyone of the blogs to see how everyone was doing and seeing the struggles and the success they they had experienced.  I can't articulate enough how important blogging is.  Not only do I understand now how important it is to share these journies when we write them but it's just as important to the lost souls who depend on them to stay connected and engaged, even if you don't ever see the impact on them.

This last week for me has been one of the best ones that I have had in such a long time.  I spent some great time with my family.  I had a great day with my adult daughter and a great little lunch spot that has become "ours".  I reconnected with my good friend Kevin Lindstrom for coffee this week.  I had lunch with Shau Lietz whom I hadn't seen in over a year.  And I got to see my family again at this year's Pandamonium.  It's like I had never left. 

Finally the best news I have to share is that I am moving back to Stony Plain by mid June.  I'm going to be coming back to resume my training and I couldn't be happier!

See everyone on the mats very soon.

Mr. Ian Repay

Momentum of habbit - I'm living it

Right of off the top, I have not read or engaged in reading blogs for months.  There is a reason for this and I'll get to that in a bit. 

I'm sitting in the Winnipeg airport waiting to board a flight from my home here to my other home back in Stony Plain.  Huh?? Yes I have two homes the one in Winnipeg is the one where I live by myself and the one in Stony Plain is where my family is living.  Some would think that I'm divorced or separated...nope.  I'm happily married and I miss my kids terribly.

So then what am I doing?  I'll get to that in a minute as well but the reason for this blog is because of Sifu Adrien Prince's blog that he wrote in April that I just read this afternoon.  He could have been writing all about me and what I have gone through since May.

I haven't fallen off earth but in fact have moved myself to Winnipeg to follow a life long dream.  I willingly left my family behind to embark on a journey that has seen epic highs and devastating lows.  I moved to a city where I knew no one well, didn't have a permanent place to live when I got here, had no belongings other than clothes and a few odds and end that I fit in my truck.  I had a week to find somewhere to live and I have never spent more than a day in this city prior.  You can truly find out a lot about yourself if you put yourself into this scenario and which mirrors what Sifu Price wrote about.  So what am I doing here in Winnipeg?  I'm following my dream of entrepreneurship.  I was given an opportunity to be part owner of a company in Winnipeg and it all happened to come together in what felt like a blink of an eye.

Over the past six months I have found a place to live, bought a bed, pillows, plates, forks, knives and even salt and pepper.  I had literally nothing when I got here because I didn't know where I was going to live when I showed up.  I have been happily married for 19 years and I have NEVER lived on my own.  I had to learn to do everything on my own, how to manage stress without being able to come home and get a hug from my wife when you had the worst day of your life.  I had to learn how to stay engaged with my family when I could only get home once a month at best.  The two words that have come to symbolize the journey so far are courage and perseverance with perseverance being the most important one.  The ability to keep moving in the face of defeat, the ability to take things in small increments and take comforts in small victories.  It reminds me of the lesson of incremental progression.  I couldn't have done 1,000 push up in one day if I didn't break the number down into smaller more manageable parts.  I couldn't have done the thing I did during my time on the I Ho Chuan team if not for the important lesson that I learned. 

I haven't been part of SRKF for the past year but SRKF is always part of me.  My kung fu continues to serve me and I know that in whatever way it will serve me for the rest of my life.

Ian

The war inside of me

I miss Kung Fu.  I miss my Kung Fu family more than ever. 

I have been going through an epic struggle, alone.  I have retreated into myself, and have listened to many voices inside my head.  So few posative, so many negative. 

I haven't attended classes in forever.  I have made many excuses to myself but none of them are true.  I have retreated into self pity.  I have totally accepted that I have failed in my journey.  I have given up on my Kung Fu after five years of dedication, blood sweat and lots of tears.

This has been tearing me up inside.  I don't know how to cope with this struggle?  I don't know where to go from here?  I don't know how to battle the war that wages inside myself?  Why can't I just get over myself and kick things back to the way it was, when I was flying high?  Why is it so difficult to move forward when it's easier to watch life go by on sidelines?  I have been watching for the past year and deep down in my soul, I don't like it.  It leaves a big  hole in my soul, and those who understand are the ones who have trained and became part of the family. 

The war continues to wage inside.

Mr. Ian Repay