Resentment and negativity

 I’ve struggled with resentment for a very very long time.  I actually can’t remember a time where I haven’t felt resentment of some kind.  When I think of resentment I thinking more toward comparing my pain and that of what I perceive in other people.  I look at myself and my struggles throughout my life.  Then I look at other people and expect them to struggle just like me.  When I see someone who isn’t struggling like I had I feel immediate resentment and in some ways I want them to not be as successful or as positive as they are.  I can’t shake this even though I’ve tried to change my thinking.  I’ve even looked at it in such a way that other people may be struggling with life in ways that I’m not.  It works for a little while but then I get back to my old ways of thinking. I really want to get past this as when I’m in this mindset I’m not a very good person and I pull back to the extreme.

This is where I am right now.

I don’t want to feel like this, I don’t want to carry this negativity for any longer in my life.  I know I have to let go but I don’t know how to fully let go?  I keep carrying this burden of pain that seems to have embedded it’s self into my very core.  

When I think back to when it all started for me I can almost pin point it.  When I was very young I was cut from my hockey club.  I was too young to really understand the reasons but from what my parents told me the reasons were “political” in nature.  Up to that point I had never felt failure and I was always succeeding at a high level.  Looking back on this moment I felt a lot of anger that someone (an adult) could take this way from me for reasons that had nothing to do with my ability.  I used that anger to push myself and to prove them wrong.  What I’ve realized is that I haven’t stopped trying to prove myself.  But what am I trying to prove and to whom?  

The second instance I can think of was a particular teacher in grade nine that told me I wouldn’t amount to anything.  He physically threw his keys and black board brushes at me, hit me in the back of the head and actually had one of my contacts come out and land on my books.  He constantly “bullied” me in a mental and physical way during that school year.  I was determined to prove him wrong, to show him that I was smarter and that I would amount to more than he ever thought I would.  I’ve resented him for all of these years and through writing this blog I realized how deeply it’s hurt me.  

I need to let go, to let myself feel like I have nothing left to prove to anyone.  Writing this blog has helped me move in the direction.  I still don’t feel like I’ve let it all go and I’m still fearful that I’m going to fall back into this mindset.  As I type this final sentence I feel a tremendous amount of weight lifted from my soul.

Mr. Repay

Poverty

This is a topic that I must admit I haven't experienced first hand. However as I'm getting older it's something that has become more important to me.  

My wife and I grew up in small town Saskatchewan.  I have a really close knit family that had a farm and everyone had a massive backyard garden. We never went hungry, ever.  But we also didn't have some of the "luxuries" that my friends had growing up.  This never bothered me because my parents raised me to appreciate what we had not to envy what others had.

My wife and I started our family before we both turned 20.  It was hard, we didn't have alot and we struggled finacially for many years. When we moved to Alberta in 2001 from Saskatchewan it was a shock to say the least.  Culturally the two provinces were at opposite ends of the political spectrum. My wife didn't work and I was making very little at the time. 

We never were below the "poverty line" but if it wasn't for our families helping when they could I think we may very well have slipped below it.  Over the past ten years things have drastically improved for us and we been able to travel quite a bit.  We've been to quite a few central American and Caribbean countries.  We love the culture and the people so much but the poverty has been eye opening.  To see how much people earn and how much it costs people just to eat is tough to comprehend. I know that my family has wasted more than many families in these countries earn in a month, year etc.  

I've been so "busy" working on making my families life better that I've not taken a look at what I can do to improve other's lives. Through my Kung Fu I've developed a higher level of mindfulness and empathy that has helped me see things like poverty in a different light.  I'm beyond thankful for where I was born as we have so much opportunity in this country. At the same time there is poverty all around me and I don't even have to leave my province or country. I'm ashamed to reflect on my own wastefulness as so many people could benefit from what I take for granted and for what I waste.  I would like to say that I've erradicated all of my wastefulness and moved to a minimistic style of living. But that's not true.  I'm working with my family to be more aware of where we are wasteful so that we can change our habits. It's a slow process but we are making the changes and seeing improvement in this area everyday. 

Mr. Repay

Friendships

 I'ts been a tough two weeks.  I developed what I thought was a really good friendship over the past three years.  It started out through my work and grew from there. Two weeks ago things fell apart and it's hit me really hard. I've been struggling mentally and emotionally and I didn't really see it coming.

Friendships are such an interesting dynamic.  There are times when those relationships feel like family and then there’s times where they feel just awful. I love people and I really value meaningful relationships, maybe too much.  I really enjoy meeting new people, understanding who they are and what makes them who they are.  I enjoy seeing these relationships develop and helping any way that I can.  I’ve developed relationships through business that have been amazing but most of them haven’t turned out the way I expected them to.  Too may times these relationships are there because someone wants something from me.  

This is where my problems lie, I want to always see the good in people not the side of them that they show me just to get something from me that benefits them.  I’ve been taken advantage many times before because I trusted right from the start where there are some people that live by the mantra of “you need to earn my trust”.  

I don’t want to change who I am but I also need to be more aware of the reasons people want to be my friend.  I don’t know where I going to be from here in regards to who I let into my life.  Recently I’ve been really careful who I let in.  As I’m getting older I don’t feel like I want more people inside my inner circle, I don’t want my friendship to be taken advantage of.  I want people to show me who they truly are not who they think I want them to be. 

I’m sadden right now because I’m dealing with a situation just like I’ve described.  We’ve both made mistakes and I really hopeful that we can move past them.

Mr. Ian Repay