Why am I doing this?

This is a question that has been in my mind for some time.  Why am I training in Kung Fu?  Why am I a part of the I Ho Chuan team?  Lately I'm not sure what the answer is for either one.  I know that I have struggled and continue to struggle with big highs and big lows.  I know exactly when this current "low" started.  It was the day of the demo.  It was exactly the moment when I dropped my chuck so early on in my form.  At that very moment I was devastated...  I never recovered...  The very next day I had to get on a plane and fly to Montreal for the next week.  Being away didn't allow me the opportunity to get right back at it.  I let the time away in Montreal get the best of me.  I allowed myself to let defeat and disappointment take over.  The crazy thing is that it was easy....easy to let it take over and I did nothing to over come it.  The last three weeks have been the same for me.  I have been busy with work and I have been busy avoiding the kwoon.  I have been avoiding the people that I feel I let down.  I was picked to be part of the demo that day and I didn't perform.  I have been struggling with this and I have been way too silent.  I have been hiding and avoiding the people that I need and who need me.

Then I read Sifu Ryback’s latest blog and it sort of shook me up.  She’s absolutely right, our team is almost like a house of cards.  There are some strong cards on the bottom but there are so many cards that can’t support themselves let alone the rest of the house.

I'm not proud this and there is only one thing that I can do and that's get back to class and get back to training.  I have failed miserably personally this year and most disturbing is how badly I have let the team down. 

Mr. Repay
Student Of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta
ian.repay@blogspot.com

Happiness

I have reflected on this for some time.  What is happiness?  What really makes me happy?  Other than the obvious which is my family this is a hard one for me to nail down.

Does kung Fu make me happy?  Yes it does but it also makes me sad, angry, jubilant and most every other emotion that I can think of.  

So what makes me happy?  The answer to this has changed considerably as the years pass.  What once did it for me is no longer.  My perspective has changed and with it what makes me happy.  Now some of the most simplest things seem have the greatest effect on my happiness.  Talking time to rest and "smell the roses" is having the most impact on me.  No longer am looking to things that I don't have to bring me happiness.  In taking the time to enjoy the little things and not get down on my self for the "small things".

I'm happy and I can't really tell you why :)

Mr. Ian Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu.

Demo - personal dissapointment

This past Saturday we did the Stony parade and then a demo performance.  The parade was awesome and the demo looked great except for my part.  I dropped one of my chucks early on in the form and I was devestated.  I have been working hard on the form and have made it all the way through many times at the kwoon and on my own.  But when it comes time to represent the team and school I mess up.  I am going to admit that my confidence is shaken.  I know that I have to push through it and keep going.  I just have this feeling like I am dissapointing my sifu's the team and the school.  I was chosen to perform in the demo based on what the form looked like.  Yet when its time to show the public I choked.

So very frustrating and dissapointing.

Mr. Ian Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu.
Stony Plain, Alberta.

Pandamonium & engagement

This past Saturday was our annual Pandamonium.  It was a great time to spend at the kwoon with all of the students, Sifu's and Sihings.  I always come away with a renewed sense of purpose and motivation.  It's hard not to when you show up at a place where everyone believes in the cause and wants to make positive change.

I managed to spend 8 hours at the kwoon this year.  This down from previous years commitments but it was for a reason.  I am currently in Vancouver ready to deliver a presentation that I have poured countless days of work into.  I have to balance both commitments and lives.  I would have loved to be there for the full 24 hours.  However I am positive that I would not be on my best for the presentation today.  Do I feel guilty about this?  No, not at all.  In fact I feel extra motivated that I was a part of something very special for as long as I was there.  I was engaged the whole time I was there and I feel that being engaged for 8 hours is better than being there for 24 hours and only partially being engaged. 

To me there is no right or wrong as long we are participating, raising awareness for why we are doing what we are doing and most importantly are engaged in what we are doing.

Mr. Ian Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu.
Stony Plain, Alberta, Canada

Attitude

I have come to the realization that attitude is everything.  I'm pretty sure that I have know this for a long time, however I never really understood this.  Attitude is a very powerful thing, it can enable or disable a persons willingness to do things.  Your mind controls your body and as a result the frame of mind that you are in will have a huge impact on how your body responds.

I have had an ongoing struggle with attitude as long as I can remember.  My parents struggled with me when I was growing up.  My teachers would always say top them things like "he has so much potential if only he would apply himself".  This statement has never left me, and is a direct response to my attitude.  I can't explain why I'm like this?  I wish I could put a finger on something solid that I could grasp and hold onto.  However this isn't something that I can physically touch rather it's something abstract.  It's something that I need to constantly work on as when I have the right attitude there isn't much that I can't accomplish.

This past week, I looked myself in the mirror and realized that I needed to stop making excuses for myself.  My attitude and Kung Fu have sucked since last year.  I was on a very big high when I left for South Carolina.  My requirements were ahead, my training was going so good and I had three demo's in the bag by mid July.  I was on track to have a phenomenal I Ho Chuan year.  However I couldn't keep the pace going while I was gone.  My training came to a skidding halt and with that along went my attitude.  I was so upset with myself for letting all of my hard work go to pot.  I had gained a significant amount of weight along the way and I became out of shape.  I had to work so hard to get in great shape and to lose it in a matter of three months was devastating to me.  As a result of all of this, I got upset and angry with the process.  I surmised that the program was the issue and all it was, was a bunch of hoops to jump through. I didn't bother to look at myself and questions myself as what the real issue was.  The real issue wasn't the program as much as it was my attitude toward the process.

I still struggle and will always struggle with attitude.  There are many times when I prioritize things in the wrong order.  Not because because I'm lazy  or disorganized.  I just don't see them as important as other things.  This is a result of where my attitude is at that moment. 

Mr. Ian Repay
Student Of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta, Canada

Diet Day 11

Breakfast

Refrigerator oatmeal with Strawberries.
Cup of black coffee

Lunch

Double teen burger with root beer and onion rings.

Supper

Prime rib supper at the AMTA Gala evening.  Two spicy ceasars.

Ian Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu

Diet day 9

Breakfast

Bowl of steel cut oats with raisins, apples and some milk.  A large black coffee and two glasses of detox water.

Lunch

Peanut butter and honey sandwich.  Two glasses of detox water.

Early supper be for going to Calgary.

Grilled all beef burger made at home.  Glass of detox water.

Late supper

Tim Horton's Italian s andwhich and a water.

Ian Repay
Student of Silent River Kung Fu
Stony Plain, Alberta.